It's Only A Paper Rose

Happy birthday to me!

I was going to post a video I found a while back, a parody of Taylor Swift's "22" for my current age: "Uh-oh, hey! I don't know about you, but I'm feeling thirty-two/Read Fifty Shades of Grey and kinda liked it too!" Unfortunately, they appear to have taken it down, which makes me sad. There are a couple of similar parodies by other artists, but none of them feature the singer drinking wine and chowing down on a Costco-size wedge of Gouda, and thus they are clearly inferior. (Mmm. Gouda.)

Still, I can't feel too bummed out. I observed on Facebook that multiples of 16 must be lucky for me, present-wise; I've gotten more presents this year than I have since my sweet sixteen party. I have no idea what it was I did this year, but hey, I'll take it.



(Not pictured: the professional-quality blow dryer I wanted, currently on order by a longtime friend; and a significant contribution towards a professional-quality massage table from my mum.)

It's been a good year, I think. I've made a number of social connections (and lost some as well, all of which were painful but good learning experiences), I've tried and learned a number of new things, I've acquired a few new skills and embarked upon a new career path.

Now for some introspection: reading through a few of my entries from around this time a year ago, I'm seeing a lot of variations on the theme of structure vs. independence in my life. I've often prided myself on being an independent sort of person, willing to forge ahead my own way when there isn't a set path that I like. But while that's true, I've been comparing my mental state now to a year ago, when I was trying (and failing) to figure out a career path in writing and/or music. And I've come to the conclusion that, independent as I am, I need a certain amount of structure in my life to function well. At this point, I don't have a strong enough center or the self-motivation to work with no real idea if or when I'll see a payoff; I do far better when there's a clear set of expectations with (relatively) fixed rewards, which in turn gives me a sense of social identity. (This, incidentally, explains why keeping up enthusiasm for guitar was so much easier when I was busking weekly in Bisbee; I wasn't doing it for money, but the social payoffs in a small hippie town were noticeable. Moving to Chicago, however, removed a good chunk of that motivation, as it's not a particularly busking-friendly town and I don't know anyone in the local music scene yet.)

More importantly, I feel like I've decided that that's okay. I can be an independent-minded person who happens to work best in an interdependent context. It doesn't mean that I don't make valuable contributions, or that I'm not my own person, or that I'm not 'extraordinary enough'. It just means that I know what lifestyle choices fit me best at this point in my life, and points me at opportunities where I'll function at my best.

I'm thoroughly glad I decided to go to massage school; it's a path that gives me lots of options with varying levels of independence, but with a comparatively structured social role and a sense of identity I feel I can be proud of. It's a field with plenty of opportunities for continuing education, which I've found is integral to maintaining my interest. It's something that helps people feel better, which in turn helps them be excellent to each other. And it's something where I can earn a decent income of my own, enough to be financially independent if I need to. All of which, I think, are important to me in terms of finding long-term career satisfaction, as well as mental stability. (Now if the nice folks in the Illinois licensing office would get around to processing my application...)

So to celebrate, tonight is dinner with some of the local folks I've met who actually like my weird intense hyperintelligent analytical enthusiastic slightly-Zen...self. And Brian made me the most delicious chocolate layer cake with mint-chocolate-chip-buttercream frosting. Because he is the best. <3

My birthday passed without much fanfare, but pleasantly enough nonetheless.  I've been looking after the gallery all weekend while the boss is out of town; Friday and Saturday are both long days, and Saturday especially was hectic as it was an art-walk day.  But Sunday was fairly quiet, which I appreciated; it gave me time to catch up on paperwork as well as more generally recover.

The lack of fanfare did not, however, mean that the day went unmarked.  Brian was kind enough to take some pictures of my new hair color (which finally matched a shirt I got several months ago at the clothing swap but hadn't yet worn) with his fancy camera.  My favorite looked much like something you'd see in a catalog, or possibly a photo-resume headshot.  (Click to embiggen - the high-res version really makes a difference, here.)


I especially love how, when I cropped it down for an icon, it looked like a completely different picture.

After I closed up the gallery, we went to Screaming Banshee Pizza, where they were unfortunately out of the Thai Me Up pizza (my favorite, and not just for the name), but made us a tasty-enough pie nonetheless.  And when we got home I discovered that Brian had made me an honest-to-blog red velvet cake, from the famous 1928 Waldorf-Astoria recipe, with buttercream frosting.  (I felt a little bad that he'd gone to all that effort, since buttercream is a cast-iron pain in the ass to make and I actually prefer the more common cream-cheese frosting, but I can't fault his results - the texture is absolutely perfect.)  We settled down with that and some fizzy red wine and watched The Artist, which was delightful - especially so to Brian, who I think got it mixed up with another movie when he was reading reviews, as he was convinced it was a Pretentious and Depressing Film about Man's Inhumanity to Man.  I'm glad I exercised birthday privileges and insisted we watch it.

I guess that means I'm 29 now.  I feel a little different about that than I did when I turned 28, though I'm not quite sure how to articulate it.  It's not like I was being all drama-filled and "Woe is me!" about 28, but there was a definite shift in perception - maybe just that 30 was suddenly within spitting distance, which kind of put the final nail in the youthful "I'm going to live forever" coffin.  Comparatively, I was downright Buddhist about 29.  "Time is a river and constantly moving.  Attachment to anything as inherently transient as youth will only create suffering.  Do not try to dam the river; instead, let the water carry you.  Om."

I don't know what prompted the change.  I've said before that I don't mind getting older, and mostly that's true (though I can't say as I particularly look forward to physical decrepitude, especially having just recently experienced the spasming soreness that is throwing out your back - more yoga for me!).  I like having had real world experiences to draw upon when forming opinions.  I like the broadening of perspective that comes with said experiences.  I like having had the time to fine-tune my preferences and desires, even if that means I lose a certain amount of the impulsive enthusiasm of youth.  And I like the sense that there are things that I'm getting really good at, because I've practiced them so much over time.  (It helps me to stick with the things I'm still learning, since I know that eventually I'll get there.) 

I think picking up the guitar's helped a lot, too.  At my 28th birthday, there weren't very many things I was actively working on; mostly I felt like I was treading water.  In November I did NNWM and came out with 50,000 words and a rough outline for an epic fantasy series that I think has real potential; even if I'm not certain if/when I'll pick it up again.  In early May I bought a guitar and started teaching myself; since then, I think only one day's gone by where I haven't picked a guitar up and practiced at least some.  Now I have an even nicer guitar (thanks, Mum!), and am nearing performance readiness on two songs, though I still have a good bit to learn.  Brian and I are making plans to move to Seattle in the next year or two.  Things are moving forward...perhaps in more of a labyrinth shape than a straight line, but moving nonetheless.

All that said, I think that I'm going to tentatively plan a long weekend in Vegas for my birthday next year.  (In all fairness, I'd really rather head to the clubs on Ibiza, especially as I'll likely soon be too old to enjoy the experience properly, but given the financial and geographical restrictions, Vegas is a somewhat more reasonable goal.)  30 is a milestone that deserves celebration, and I've never been to Sin City; and while I fully realize it will be an assault on all possible definitions of good taste, I do have a certain fondness for kitsch and popular entertainment, especially when it's both self-aware and so completely over-the-top as to become a form of meta-art (viz. Lady Gaga).  Would anyone be interested in possibly joining us?  When pricing out hotel rooms for DefCon Brian discovered that it's cheap as chips to stay at one of the casino hotels (hardly surprising - they know they'll make it back from you downstairs), and it'd be fun to meet up for a birthday dinner at one of the fancier restaurants and then perhaps go see one of the shows (I've wanted to see Penn & Teller for a decade now) and go out dancing.

Wandering up the road back home, pleasantly tipsy after a birthday dinner at Screaming Banshee Pizza, coming to a spot where a house up above was playing "Wicked Game" on surprisingly nice speakers, wordlessly dancing for a few moments there on the sidewalk before exchanging pleasantries with the owners and ambling along on our way.

Had a pretty good weekend, all told. Struck a nice balance of getting things done that needed to be done, and getting some relaxation time in as well. It's amazing how much good that can do in terms of revitalizing one's outlook on life.

Helps also that I've been feeling rather more alive and interested in things lately than I have in quite some time. Wish I had even a foggy notion of what's caused that - hanging around feeling stifled sucks. But so far as I can tell, nothing's changed except my mood. Even the weather's still grey and oppressive; it just doesn't bother me so much. Strange.

I think I'm going to make a birthday-season resolution for this year. Specifically, I'm going to make an effort to spend more time with friends. Even if I'm not doing theatre, just getting out of the house and talking to people will help, I think.

It's hard to tell because my weight fluctuates a lot, but I do believe the bathroom scale is telling me that I've lost a few pounds. I've never been good at gauging my weight from my appearance, but Brian says he's noticed a difference - and I was just thinking recently that I've been needing to hike up my jeans more often (right when I thought I'd found a pair that fit my waist properly!). I guess the fact that I've been practically living on salads and Subway sandwiches (with whole-grain bread and lots of spinach and onions and tomatoes heaped on, naturally) has helped.

Here's to feeling happier and more alive. May it last longer than the sensation of stagnation did.

I'm sorting through the mail just now, and I come across a receipt for a (and I quote) "1 5/8-inch Erection Wrench".

It made me giggle. Especially when paired with the mental image of some poor sap going "Just a minute, honey, let me crank this up a bit..."

I also heard the best song title on the radio today: "There Is No 'I' in 'Threesome'."

...You'd think I was turning five today, rather than twenty-five...

So, apparently there is literally NO WHERE in this town that will sell me a nice professional suit for an interview.

One place downtown said they would have some professional wear arriving "in a month". One place had something that wasn't quite what I was looking for, but probably would've done the trick - except they were out of my size.

And Gottschalks, our one-and-only department store, had a microscopic "Misses" section with exactly one (count 'em, one) outfit that looked even remotely like a blazer and slacks. And when I tried them on, I discovered that they were rather specifically tailored to show off one's assets. I felt like Ally McBeal.

I think I have very nice assets. I do NOT want to be showing them off to that degree at a job interview. Or any other time when I'm trying to look professional.

Well, so much for my idea of getting a Real Adult kind of outfit to celebrate being a Real Adult kind of age. I'm going to try Alaska Dames tomorrow, but I don't have a whole lot of hope.

Ah well. I had a lovely pedicure this morning, thanks to a gift certificate (from my last birthday, in fact) that I dug up when we moved. My toenails are now Tony Stark Iron Man hot rod red. And we're going out to dinner at a nice place tonight, and then Hellboy II. Plus I had a very good breakfast at the Sandpiper. So the day's not going to be a total wash.

I'm thinking of going to a (gasp!) department store this weekend and buying myself a suit-type outfit for my birthday - like an interview suit, something a Real Adult would wear. (I'm going to be 25, fer chrissakes. I might as well have at least one Real Person outfit.) I know the basics - stay conservative, tailored suit/jacket/blouse combo is best, etc. Also, I'm a bit broad-shouldered, so I should probably avoid shoulder pads. Does anyone have any advice on specific colors, accessories, styles, etc.?

If one goes to all the trouble to buy snacks and write invitations and clean house for a party to celebrate one's birthday, and nobody shows up, does the birthday still happen?


Actually, that's not an entirely accurate summation of what happened. I did buy snacks and send invites and clean the house (with Brian and Ian's help). I got a call from Jeanne midway through the day to tell me that she and Chris weren't going to make it due to the vagaries of their work schedules, which was disappointing, but also nice to know. However, I'd invited several other people both in person and through email, most of whom had said at the time they'd be able to make it...but 5:00 came and went, and then 6:00...and nobody showed up.

A bit depressing, I suppose, but we decided to make the best of it - Ian was here, having been couchsurfing the last couple of nights, and of course Brian and I were here. We played some Munchkin-Fu and put away most of a bottle of wine between the three of us. Then, two and a half hours in, Justin was nice enough to show up and help eat the snacks, so we got to do a four-hand round of Munchkin and generally feel a little more party-ish.

Still, though, I thought it was kind of funny that the whole reason I was trying to have a party was to not feel depressed about getting older - except that I ended up feeling depressed about the apparent lack of importance of my birthday to most of my friends.

That said, some of it's probably my fault - my social tendencies have been pretty insular lately. Brian and I have occasionally gone out with Chris and Jeanne, which was fun, but it's been a long while since I really sought out any of my friends, especially on a one-on-one basis. So perhaps I should make more of an effort to do so.

Oh, well...here's hoping next year goes better.

Background: Nancy walked in today with a bottle wrapped quite nicely in felt and ribbon and a very cute card for my birthday. Wade is standing nearby, preoccupied with something else. I unwrap the bottle to find a 2002 Chateau de Vis Cabernet Sauvignon.

Me: Oh, neat! I've never had this kind before.
Nancy: You won't find it anywhere else. You can only get it from the Chateau itself. But it's really good wine.
Wade{catching the second part of her comment}: You didn't give her a bottle of that, did you?
Nancy{amused}: Indeed I did.
Wade: Dammit!

Yeah, nothing much new is going on in my life right now, hence the lack of updates. I do feel much better this week than I have the last couple of weeks, though - better rested, and more grounded, mostly. Some of that was probably that I was fighting off some sort of bug, but it strikes me that a lot of it is that Brian's been sleeping better as well, due to a (mostly) voluntary knocking-off-the-caffiene-after-noon. So I'm guessing that I'm probably getting better sleep, too, since I don't have to deal with him tossing and turning and hogging all the covers. Not that I ever do that, myself...*looks for missing halo*

Our home theater is finally finished, and I have to say that I find it completely awesome. The picture on the 62" DLP lives up to the glowing reviews; and while I'm apparently one of the percentage of people who can see the rainbow effect, I only see it out of the corner of my eye when my eyes are moving across the screen so it doesn't really bug me. (Actually, it's kind of fun during the credits to flick my eyes across the screen and see the pretty rainbows...=) The sound system is pretty equally awesome - and our subwoofer is HUGE. Not as loud as you might think (or at least, we don't turn it up that loud), but very high-fidelity sound, and almost no distortion when we do turn it up.

Add in the incredibly comfy sofa, fun beanbag chair (I'm probably going to pick up another one soon) and better snacks, and I have to say that I don't see the public movie theater in my future again anytime soon. Thank God.

In other home-appliance news, Brian and I finally got a new bedside lamp - the old one's had a broken lampshade for a while, and it seemed pretty dumb to pay $20-$30 for a new lampshade when we could get a new lamp for that much. Unfortunately, the selection here in Juneau is pretty limited, and for some reason the current home-decor style seems to be split between "Late African Safari Atrocity" (lots of dark bronze sculpted into things like plants and monkeys and whatnot, each piece more hideous than the last - I was almost surprised there wasn't an elephant's foot in there somewhere) and "70's Broke College Student of Taste -3" (lots of cheap-looking lamps and shades in absolutely awful color combinations - think bright orange and pink with red fake-fur trim). Unsurprisingly, after half an hour of picking through the display we were all set to just make do with the broken one, but fortunately I spotted a nice one that had that simple-yet-elegant-highrise-apartment-chic look going for it, which happened to match our bedspread quite well - we'd just missed this particular lamp the first couple of times because it was sitting between two that were so bad that slitting our wrists seemed like a pleasant alternative to looking at them. Ugh.

In other news, my birthday's next week. (How the heck did I get to be 23? When I was 18 it seemed miles away...) Since I don't want to end up as one of those people who resents their birthdays, I'm probably going to be having a get-together at my house, hopefully with ice-cream-cake (since I love ice cream but don't particularly like store-bought cake). Gifts are not necessary, but if anyone feels like buying me something, I'm certainly not going to say no, and I'll do my best to return the favor once your birthday comes around. Now that I'm not, y'know, a broke college student all the time...=D