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missroseroseFor all that he's a bit of an odd duck, one of the things I like most about my friend Justin is that his perspective is complementary to mine. We're similar enough that our worldviews resonate at that frequency crucial to close relationships, but his tends to be just a few steps to the left; enough so that he often inspires me to see myself and my decisions in a different light. (I sometimes feel a little ridiculous when I realize that what I'm seeing through his eyes is something glaringly obvious if I'd just considered it earlier, but then, that's also what makes friends valuable.)
In this instance, we were talking about our respective plans for the future, and he asked if I'd considered going into massage therapy. I said that I had, as well as hairdressing or possibly yoga teaching, as it wouldn't hurt to have some extra income (and might be wise to have something to fall back upon in case something happens to Brian, or he decides he wants to leave the computer-security field). Justin asked (not in so many words, but effectively) why I hadn't pursued any of them. And I stopped and gave it some real thought.
Aside from the artistic arena, where we've already pretty much established that I currently lack the motivation to make a workable career, the careers I've been most attracted to are in the personal-service industry; I like to help people feel better about themselves, as I find it to be one of the most immediately-rewarding ways to improve the world. (Admittedly, it's a more ephemeral effect than, say, lobbying for better school funding or running a school in the African slums, but my desire for relatively instant gratification is one of the reasons I'm not super likely to make it as an artist. And giving someone a killer massage, or a really great haircut, still has a measurable positive effect - it can really improve someone's whole outlook, which makes everyone they interact with that little bit happier.) And really, there's nothing that should be holding me back - tuition for training is a little pricey, but not bad compared to a standard four-year program.
So I finally admitted something to myself that I'd been mentally dodging for a while but had never articulated aloud: "I've considered it. But, ultimately, there's more social status in being the financially-supported maybe-aspiring-artist wife of a high-earning man than there is in pursuing my own career."
Yeah, it's not the most flattering realization I've ever come to.
But it's true; I do value social currency. When I was a waitress out of high school, I was good at the job and often enjoyed it but couldn't help but look forward to the days when I would be the one paying for the meal, not the one serving it. I think I mentioned awhile back that I feel a little embarrassed when people ask me what I do right now; but when I tell them that I'm an aspiring writer/musician whose husband supports her, the reaction is almost universally positive - "That's so cool!" or "I'm so envious of you!"
The fact that, were our genders reversed, the reaction would likely be a little more smug and/or patronizing doesn't help my slight sense of social guilt over the matter. And while I'm a strong believer in the "feminism means you should be able to choose whatever path you want, whether or not it fits socially with your ascribed gender" philosophy, there are definitely times when I feel like a bad feminist for being financially dependent on my husband. (Which is more than a little ironic, as my mother and both my grandmothers had to be financially independent due to the quality of their relationships.)
Answering "I'm a hairdresser" or "I'm a massage therapist", by contrast, is hardly shameful, but they aren't really fields that generate respect and/or envy. (It probably doesn't help that I grew up seeing people accord my mother significant respect for her job in the legal field; I feel a little bit like a toddler throwing a tantrum. "If I can't have a highly-respected career I don't want any career!") But honestly, none of the highly-respected fields particularly appeal to me; I know I'm smart enough to go into law or medicine or science, but none of them thrill me enough to want to invest the time and money.
I'm not sure, ultimately, where my thoughts are going to settle on this issue. But this particular epiphany has given my self-perception a much-needed shakeup, and for that, at least, I'm grateful.
In this instance, we were talking about our respective plans for the future, and he asked if I'd considered going into massage therapy. I said that I had, as well as hairdressing or possibly yoga teaching, as it wouldn't hurt to have some extra income (and might be wise to have something to fall back upon in case something happens to Brian, or he decides he wants to leave the computer-security field). Justin asked (not in so many words, but effectively) why I hadn't pursued any of them. And I stopped and gave it some real thought.
Aside from the artistic arena, where we've already pretty much established that I currently lack the motivation to make a workable career, the careers I've been most attracted to are in the personal-service industry; I like to help people feel better about themselves, as I find it to be one of the most immediately-rewarding ways to improve the world. (Admittedly, it's a more ephemeral effect than, say, lobbying for better school funding or running a school in the African slums, but my desire for relatively instant gratification is one of the reasons I'm not super likely to make it as an artist. And giving someone a killer massage, or a really great haircut, still has a measurable positive effect - it can really improve someone's whole outlook, which makes everyone they interact with that little bit happier.) And really, there's nothing that should be holding me back - tuition for training is a little pricey, but not bad compared to a standard four-year program.
So I finally admitted something to myself that I'd been mentally dodging for a while but had never articulated aloud: "I've considered it. But, ultimately, there's more social status in being the financially-supported maybe-aspiring-artist wife of a high-earning man than there is in pursuing my own career."
Yeah, it's not the most flattering realization I've ever come to.
But it's true; I do value social currency. When I was a waitress out of high school, I was good at the job and often enjoyed it but couldn't help but look forward to the days when I would be the one paying for the meal, not the one serving it. I think I mentioned awhile back that I feel a little embarrassed when people ask me what I do right now; but when I tell them that I'm an aspiring writer/musician whose husband supports her, the reaction is almost universally positive - "That's so cool!" or "I'm so envious of you!"
The fact that, were our genders reversed, the reaction would likely be a little more smug and/or patronizing doesn't help my slight sense of social guilt over the matter. And while I'm a strong believer in the "feminism means you should be able to choose whatever path you want, whether or not it fits socially with your ascribed gender" philosophy, there are definitely times when I feel like a bad feminist for being financially dependent on my husband. (Which is more than a little ironic, as my mother and both my grandmothers had to be financially independent due to the quality of their relationships.)
Answering "I'm a hairdresser" or "I'm a massage therapist", by contrast, is hardly shameful, but they aren't really fields that generate respect and/or envy. (It probably doesn't help that I grew up seeing people accord my mother significant respect for her job in the legal field; I feel a little bit like a toddler throwing a tantrum. "If I can't have a highly-respected career I don't want any career!") But honestly, none of the highly-respected fields particularly appeal to me; I know I'm smart enough to go into law or medicine or science, but none of them thrill me enough to want to invest the time and money.
I'm not sure, ultimately, where my thoughts are going to settle on this issue. But this particular epiphany has given my self-perception a much-needed shakeup, and for that, at least, I'm grateful.
no subject
Date: 2014-10-21 07:50 pm (UTC)I don't have any useful career advice, fortunately. I kinda ended up in my existing career as it seemed like the least effort of the three things that 15-year-old me was considering ("chef", "something with IT" or "military officer") and I kinda slipepd down the middle of those after having poked at computers and gone "these things are FUN".
Until such a point that you can decide, doing things that appeal to you sounds like an eminent plan, though.
no subject
Date: 2014-10-22 01:28 pm (UTC)In a way I feel like I'm discussing a marriage. A career doesn't have to be permanent, but it does require a similarly significant investment of time and energy. Mopey-gothic-poet-career turned out to be a bad fit and kind of a flake, so now I'm looking at the less-romantic but more practical options, and scared to death I'll pick the wrong one. And, much like a marriage, if I do pick wrong there's recourse but not without significant economic and emotional consequences. Sigh.
no subject
Date: 2014-10-24 06:19 am (UTC)One very big positive for you is the finances. It took me perhaps eight years to get to the point where I knew that I could probably live indefinitely in reasonable comfort if I didn't work and it'll take a few more years before I get to a deliberate never have to work again threshold. Another positive is the supportive husband and supportive friends. Maybe judging you but also supportive, overall.
Starting a career has time and other costs but in your situation you have the freedom to approach it as a deliberate trial, knowing that you can move on to another possibility if you find that it is not for you.