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missroseroseI'm never really certain what to post for Bisexuality Visibility Day. I mean, my sexuality has truly never been a big deal, at least not any bigger than I made when I discovered it in my last year of high school. (I was a bit of a drama queen in my teens. I'm sure everyone's surprised.) It seems like everyone else, from good friends of mine on up to Anna Paquin, has experienced (or at least observed) some form of doubt or condescension. I guess I'm lucky that way - I've never been in a position where I needed to worry about the opinion of anyone who was likely to give a fig.
So instead, since I'm in Alaska right now and this story came to mind, I think I'm going to write about two girls I saw at the karaoke bar down the street some months ago.
It's been observed many a time that for all our distancing ourselves from nature with the trappings of civilization, the legacy of our simian ancestors and their survival-adapted hierarchical social structure is observable in almost every group. This group was no exception. There were the markers of in-group belonging: long bleach-blonde hair, eyeliner, relatively current fashions, age (late twenties to early thirties), forms of vocal expression (often punctuated by high-pitched giggles and squeals). There were four or five girls there; one was clearly the alpha, as demonstrated by her polished appearance, her social gregariousness (she made the rounds regularly to ensure everyone was having a good time), and the enthusiasm with which her frankly mediocre turn singing was greeted by the rest of the group.
The occasion for the gathering was the birthday celebration of the beta female, who appeared to be the alpha's longtime best friend. They were an inoffensive enough group, all told; a little loud as the shots were passed around, but in a bar that's to be expected. A group of husbands showed up later in the evening, likely as the football game wound down, but they tended to hang back, congregating amongst themselves.
Things continued in more or less the usual fashion until, a little later in the evening, bolstered by ethanol-induced inhibition-loosening and group accord both, the beta female got up to sing. Her slightly wobbly gait indicated that she'd likely consumed several extra birthday shots; the alpha, hardly in any better shape, helped her up onto the very small stage. As Beta warbled out a tune I didn't recognize, however, the dynamic changed subtly. Alpha was still standing in front of her, occasionally leaning in to join on the chorus. But for the rest of the song she was looking up at her, in a manner not unlike an acolyte in the throes of religious ecstasy gazing upon the image of her goddess, even as her friend sang directly to her. It wasn't...uncomfortable, precisely; I suspected that if they had ever acted upon this desire, it was to the cheering approval of just such a drunk crowd as this. But when I left shortly after, and saw their husbands chatting over a smoke outside, I couldn't help but wonder if they were clueless or simply didn't care.
I suspect this vignette came to mind because it demonstrates a conundrum about sexuality that I've thought a lot about. I sincerely doubt either of those women identified as bisexual (or lesbian), but they had obviously been attracted to each other for quite some time. Whether or not they acted on this attraction (with or without the social approbation of the party-type atmosphere and/or social crutch of chemical alteration) is pretty much beside the point. Sexuality, in my observations, is as much contextual as it is inborn; we may identify one way, but depending on our given situation we may well act completely differently. In an ideal world, this wouldn't mean a thing, because it wouldn't matter whom we were attracted to, but sexual fluidity is a fraught question in Western culture, tied up as it is with legal and (to some people) moral matters. And the upshot of that is that there's a strong pressure to conform to a particular identity - and since we live in a society where monogamy is the norm, we end up with people denying that bisexuality exists, because they don't see it.
So, if you really don't think bisexuality exists...try talking to some people. Or perhaps simply open your eyes.
So instead, since I'm in Alaska right now and this story came to mind, I think I'm going to write about two girls I saw at the karaoke bar down the street some months ago.
It's been observed many a time that for all our distancing ourselves from nature with the trappings of civilization, the legacy of our simian ancestors and their survival-adapted hierarchical social structure is observable in almost every group. This group was no exception. There were the markers of in-group belonging: long bleach-blonde hair, eyeliner, relatively current fashions, age (late twenties to early thirties), forms of vocal expression (often punctuated by high-pitched giggles and squeals). There were four or five girls there; one was clearly the alpha, as demonstrated by her polished appearance, her social gregariousness (she made the rounds regularly to ensure everyone was having a good time), and the enthusiasm with which her frankly mediocre turn singing was greeted by the rest of the group.
The occasion for the gathering was the birthday celebration of the beta female, who appeared to be the alpha's longtime best friend. They were an inoffensive enough group, all told; a little loud as the shots were passed around, but in a bar that's to be expected. A group of husbands showed up later in the evening, likely as the football game wound down, but they tended to hang back, congregating amongst themselves.
Things continued in more or less the usual fashion until, a little later in the evening, bolstered by ethanol-induced inhibition-loosening and group accord both, the beta female got up to sing. Her slightly wobbly gait indicated that she'd likely consumed several extra birthday shots; the alpha, hardly in any better shape, helped her up onto the very small stage. As Beta warbled out a tune I didn't recognize, however, the dynamic changed subtly. Alpha was still standing in front of her, occasionally leaning in to join on the chorus. But for the rest of the song she was looking up at her, in a manner not unlike an acolyte in the throes of religious ecstasy gazing upon the image of her goddess, even as her friend sang directly to her. It wasn't...uncomfortable, precisely; I suspected that if they had ever acted upon this desire, it was to the cheering approval of just such a drunk crowd as this. But when I left shortly after, and saw their husbands chatting over a smoke outside, I couldn't help but wonder if they were clueless or simply didn't care.
I suspect this vignette came to mind because it demonstrates a conundrum about sexuality that I've thought a lot about. I sincerely doubt either of those women identified as bisexual (or lesbian), but they had obviously been attracted to each other for quite some time. Whether or not they acted on this attraction (with or without the social approbation of the party-type atmosphere and/or social crutch of chemical alteration) is pretty much beside the point. Sexuality, in my observations, is as much contextual as it is inborn; we may identify one way, but depending on our given situation we may well act completely differently. In an ideal world, this wouldn't mean a thing, because it wouldn't matter whom we were attracted to, but sexual fluidity is a fraught question in Western culture, tied up as it is with legal and (to some people) moral matters. And the upshot of that is that there's a strong pressure to conform to a particular identity - and since we live in a society where monogamy is the norm, we end up with people denying that bisexuality exists, because they don't see it.
So, if you really don't think bisexuality exists...try talking to some people. Or perhaps simply open your eyes.
no subject
Date: 2014-09-25 02:37 am (UTC)I simply don't know how I might try to shoehorn one or more of the varieties of intersex into a neat basket depending on whether they are attracted to men, women, some variety of intersex and how all of that might change based on the pre or post operative status of the various people involved.
Ignoring intersex, I'm unsure that I'd have anything useful to say about the sexual orientation of a woman who remains sexually attracted to their post-operative formerly male husband.