Feeling better
May. 19th, 2014 10:42 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
missroseroseI'm pleased to report that last week's growing depression-and-self-pity miasma has dissipated. Things had lifted noticeably by Friday, though I had a bit of a vulnerability hangover to deal with; and over the weekend I felt much much better. I suspect just getting all that off my chest was a relief in and of itself, even if I still didn't have any particular ideas for a solution. (The fact that the weather went from dark and cloudy and chilly to sunny and breezy and beautiful probably didn't hurt, either.)
Also of help were my friends. I was surprised, in fact, at how many of you responded, far more than I had expected - I guess the whole "I'm afraid of failure but even more afraid of success" conundrum is more common than I realized. Big thanks to Ken, Maggie, Raven, and Robs (and my mum, although her input was via phone). You all invested significant time in helping me think it all over and pointing out things I hadn't considered, and it was extremely useful to have your perspectives. You are awesome and I love each and every one of you. <3
While I still don't have a whole lot of ideas in the way of solutions, I'm coming to realize that perhaps I don't need to find a way to solve this problem right here and now. While it's true that people tend to remain faithful to their fundamental personalities, they do grow and change and (perhaps most importantly) learn to overcome and/or compensate for their neuroses; and that's not even accounting for how their circumstances change too. It's perfectly possible that, rather than this particular failure meaning that I'm never going to achieve anything in this arena, it just means it's not the right route for me now. Maybe that'll change in the future, maybe not, but there's no reason to despair of ever making progress as an independent artist. So for now, I'm going to work on just continuing my daily practice/writing goals, even if I don't always achieve them, and even if they don't seem ambitious enough to actually accomplish anything. The fact is, 15 minutes of practice and 500 words a day is infinitely better than nothing. I'm just going to work hard on letting go of that expectation that I Devote X Hours A Day Or I'm Not A Serious Artist, and just keep the practice up and work more when I'm inspired. And if I manage to convince myself that it's okay to take on that coffeeshop gig, or submit that short story somewhere, well, so much the better.
In the meantime, today's been a good day for accomplishments, especially of all the stuff I'd been putting off last week. I got laundry done, and (after watching a dust bunny or two blow by like the tumbleweeds in Arizona) did a bunch of sweeping and general house cleaning, too. I picked up the dry cleaning and mailed a package. And I penetrated interstate bureaucracy deeply enough to figure out how to get my fingerprints taken and processed so that I can help with the same survey-administration job in the Detroit school district, which was no small feat.
So as a reward, I went purse-shopping. My small black Fossil purse is still in great shape, but I've lately discovered that being a transit-based urbanite makes having a larger handbag useful, since otherwise you end up carrying a second tote bag for your headphones/books/miscellaneous purchases/etc. And, much to my surprise, I managed to find something {a} non-hideous and {b} decently well-made that {c} fit my fairly narrow size/design requirements (bigger but not so big as to be unwieldy to carry, some sort of closure at the top since it rains here regularly) and {d} cost half of my self-imposed $100 budget. So I am pretty throughly pleased about that.
Also of help were my friends. I was surprised, in fact, at how many of you responded, far more than I had expected - I guess the whole "I'm afraid of failure but even more afraid of success" conundrum is more common than I realized. Big thanks to Ken, Maggie, Raven, and Robs (and my mum, although her input was via phone). You all invested significant time in helping me think it all over and pointing out things I hadn't considered, and it was extremely useful to have your perspectives. You are awesome and I love each and every one of you. <3
While I still don't have a whole lot of ideas in the way of solutions, I'm coming to realize that perhaps I don't need to find a way to solve this problem right here and now. While it's true that people tend to remain faithful to their fundamental personalities, they do grow and change and (perhaps most importantly) learn to overcome and/or compensate for their neuroses; and that's not even accounting for how their circumstances change too. It's perfectly possible that, rather than this particular failure meaning that I'm never going to achieve anything in this arena, it just means it's not the right route for me now. Maybe that'll change in the future, maybe not, but there's no reason to despair of ever making progress as an independent artist. So for now, I'm going to work on just continuing my daily practice/writing goals, even if I don't always achieve them, and even if they don't seem ambitious enough to actually accomplish anything. The fact is, 15 minutes of practice and 500 words a day is infinitely better than nothing. I'm just going to work hard on letting go of that expectation that I Devote X Hours A Day Or I'm Not A Serious Artist, and just keep the practice up and work more when I'm inspired. And if I manage to convince myself that it's okay to take on that coffeeshop gig, or submit that short story somewhere, well, so much the better.
In the meantime, today's been a good day for accomplishments, especially of all the stuff I'd been putting off last week. I got laundry done, and (after watching a dust bunny or two blow by like the tumbleweeds in Arizona) did a bunch of sweeping and general house cleaning, too. I picked up the dry cleaning and mailed a package. And I penetrated interstate bureaucracy deeply enough to figure out how to get my fingerprints taken and processed so that I can help with the same survey-administration job in the Detroit school district, which was no small feat.
So as a reward, I went purse-shopping. My small black Fossil purse is still in great shape, but I've lately discovered that being a transit-based urbanite makes having a larger handbag useful, since otherwise you end up carrying a second tote bag for your headphones/books/miscellaneous purchases/etc. And, much to my surprise, I managed to find something {a} non-hideous and {b} decently well-made that {c} fit my fairly narrow size/design requirements (bigger but not so big as to be unwieldy to carry, some sort of closure at the top since it rains here regularly) and {d} cost half of my self-imposed $100 budget. So I am pretty throughly pleased about that.
