Some thoughts on the Tiger Mother
Jan. 20th, 2011 12:06 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
missroseroseThis article, describing the differences between stereotypically "Chinese" and "Western" child-raising techniques, has been lighting up the blogosphere lately. And for once, I'm honestly not sure what I think about it.
I can tell you what I don't think. I don't think Amy Chua is a child abuser. I don't think that CPS needs to take her children away. I don't think the blogosphere is really in a position to judge her, given that [a] the article is intentionally focusing on an extreme example in order to highlight differences, and [b] as her daughter says, they can't know what the inside of her family is like. (Not that either reason will stop people, but.) And for all that her story sounds so horrific to people who grew up in a "Western" household, I don't think we should dismiss her parenting style out of hand.
I think there may be something to her assertion that Western parents don't want to make the sacrifices that Chinese parents do. A lot of this is likely cultural; Eastern cultures in general trend toward the collectivistic, where achievement as part of a group is celebrated far more than as an individual. Western cultures, obviously, trend the other way, so the idea of a mother so completely devoted to her children's success that she spends hours drilling them in math or piano seems way, way overkill. This isn't a value judgment - I'm not trying to say Americans are selfish and Chinese selfless. I'm just noting that there's a contextual difference in the way members of the two cultures perceive the world and their place in it that a lot of the "OMG CHILD ABUSE" crowd are missing.
Obviously, I can't comment on this from the perspective of the parent. (Frankly, with no disrespect intended to my friends who are parents, I think that puts me in a better position to consider the matter, as I don't have the emotional hangups or feel judged about my parenting style.) But thinking back on my own childhood, my mother and I went through some patches like the piano incident described here. It wasn't a regular occurrence (and once my parents divorced when I was a teen, they pretty much stopped all together as she didn't have the time or energy to devote to really hounding me about things), but I especially remember a period when I was having trouble learning a flute piece - except my mother was operatically trained and never lost her voice yelling. And Chua's claim about it feeling amazing when you do something you were convinced you couldn't do is absolutely, 100% true.
Do I feel like I would have benefited from my mother being more like Chua, more often? Honestly, yes. I fell directly into that cliched category of "She's so smart and talented, but she just doesn't apply herself..." as a kid. My parents tried to motivate me, but whether through a lack of time, energy, desire, maturity, whatever, it very rarely went far beyond "You know you can do better." And I did, but I really didn't see the point in doing the work to get there. Had they spent hours and hours drilling me and showing me that only the best was acceptable, I'm fairly certain I would have thrived on the challenge. And it's distinctly possible that I'd feel a lot less at loose ends at this stage of my life if the former stages had been so unrelentingly goal-driven.
But am I sorry that I got to have a more lacksadaisical childhood, and go to sleepovers and be in school plays? Absolutely not. It's just a different path, and a different set of lessons.
It also strikes me that one of the biggest dangers of the Chinese parenting model is keeping the balance between "tough love" and just "tough"; I'm sure there are lots of Chinese children whose parents are less good at expressing affection and who resent their unceasing demands. (Perhaps most famously, Asia Carrera grew up in a similarly strict Asian household, including getting a near-perfect SAT score and playing piano in Carnegie Hall twice before age 15. She ran off at age 17 to become a stripper, and later a porn actress, and, somewhat amusingly, even later a producer and director and winner of numerous awards in the industry. I guess the overachieving habit stuck with her.) And what happens when the child simply isn't capable of the demands the parents put on them? Chua's daughter says (and I believe) that her mother never asked her for more than she was capable of. Do all such strict parents pay close attention to their children's needs and abilities?
But there are dangers in the Western model, too. One of my good friends growing up had parents who were permissive almost to a fault; their parenting style might be termed "benign neglect" more than taking an active role in their lives. And while I haven't been in close enough contact with her to get a feel for how things have turned out by now, I'm pretty sure that as a teenager I was happier than she was for the fact that my mother had certain expectations of me.
I guess what I'm saying is that it seems like there's got to be a balance, here. A lot of Western parents could take some lessons from Chua's memoirs. But raising your kid with the Carnegie-or-bust mentality doesn't necessarily make you a better parent. I think what matters more is that you foster your relationship with your child, and don't treat parenting as either an inconvenience or a way to somehow prove your own worth.
I can tell you what I don't think. I don't think Amy Chua is a child abuser. I don't think that CPS needs to take her children away. I don't think the blogosphere is really in a position to judge her, given that [a] the article is intentionally focusing on an extreme example in order to highlight differences, and [b] as her daughter says, they can't know what the inside of her family is like. (Not that either reason will stop people, but.) And for all that her story sounds so horrific to people who grew up in a "Western" household, I don't think we should dismiss her parenting style out of hand.
I think there may be something to her assertion that Western parents don't want to make the sacrifices that Chinese parents do. A lot of this is likely cultural; Eastern cultures in general trend toward the collectivistic, where achievement as part of a group is celebrated far more than as an individual. Western cultures, obviously, trend the other way, so the idea of a mother so completely devoted to her children's success that she spends hours drilling them in math or piano seems way, way overkill. This isn't a value judgment - I'm not trying to say Americans are selfish and Chinese selfless. I'm just noting that there's a contextual difference in the way members of the two cultures perceive the world and their place in it that a lot of the "OMG CHILD ABUSE" crowd are missing.
Obviously, I can't comment on this from the perspective of the parent. (Frankly, with no disrespect intended to my friends who are parents, I think that puts me in a better position to consider the matter, as I don't have the emotional hangups or feel judged about my parenting style.) But thinking back on my own childhood, my mother and I went through some patches like the piano incident described here. It wasn't a regular occurrence (and once my parents divorced when I was a teen, they pretty much stopped all together as she didn't have the time or energy to devote to really hounding me about things), but I especially remember a period when I was having trouble learning a flute piece - except my mother was operatically trained and never lost her voice yelling. And Chua's claim about it feeling amazing when you do something you were convinced you couldn't do is absolutely, 100% true.
Do I feel like I would have benefited from my mother being more like Chua, more often? Honestly, yes. I fell directly into that cliched category of "She's so smart and talented, but she just doesn't apply herself..." as a kid. My parents tried to motivate me, but whether through a lack of time, energy, desire, maturity, whatever, it very rarely went far beyond "You know you can do better." And I did, but I really didn't see the point in doing the work to get there. Had they spent hours and hours drilling me and showing me that only the best was acceptable, I'm fairly certain I would have thrived on the challenge. And it's distinctly possible that I'd feel a lot less at loose ends at this stage of my life if the former stages had been so unrelentingly goal-driven.
But am I sorry that I got to have a more lacksadaisical childhood, and go to sleepovers and be in school plays? Absolutely not. It's just a different path, and a different set of lessons.
It also strikes me that one of the biggest dangers of the Chinese parenting model is keeping the balance between "tough love" and just "tough"; I'm sure there are lots of Chinese children whose parents are less good at expressing affection and who resent their unceasing demands. (Perhaps most famously, Asia Carrera grew up in a similarly strict Asian household, including getting a near-perfect SAT score and playing piano in Carnegie Hall twice before age 15. She ran off at age 17 to become a stripper, and later a porn actress, and, somewhat amusingly, even later a producer and director and winner of numerous awards in the industry. I guess the overachieving habit stuck with her.) And what happens when the child simply isn't capable of the demands the parents put on them? Chua's daughter says (and I believe) that her mother never asked her for more than she was capable of. Do all such strict parents pay close attention to their children's needs and abilities?
But there are dangers in the Western model, too. One of my good friends growing up had parents who were permissive almost to a fault; their parenting style might be termed "benign neglect" more than taking an active role in their lives. And while I haven't been in close enough contact with her to get a feel for how things have turned out by now, I'm pretty sure that as a teenager I was happier than she was for the fact that my mother had certain expectations of me.
I guess what I'm saying is that it seems like there's got to be a balance, here. A lot of Western parents could take some lessons from Chua's memoirs. But raising your kid with the Carnegie-or-bust mentality doesn't necessarily make you a better parent. I think what matters more is that you foster your relationship with your child, and don't treat parenting as either an inconvenience or a way to somehow prove your own worth.
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Helping A Child Become
Date: 2011-01-20 09:24 pm (UTC)Well darlin' from my perspective it comes down to this: if you don't push yourself, you don't have the joy of self-determined action. And if you rely on others to push you too much, there tends to be resentment and a loss of self that is quite damaging in the long run.
Your generation and mine are so different that workplace studies give them different names! My generation had to overachieve - we didn't have the benefits of the more robust economy and more inclusive win win school models you grew up with in the 80s and 90s. In the 60s and 70s if you wanted anything you had to compete and compete hard!
It was a different world. But no matter what, you are an amazing person with incredible ability and potential. And I still do EXPECT GREAT THINGS OF YOU!!! (Even if I leave the pushing to you.) Love, Mum
Re: Helping A Child Become
Date: 2011-01-20 09:28 pm (UTC)