Dreams and insights...
Sep. 18th, 2004 06:46 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
missroseroseThere's an extremely cute girl in my bed right now. =D
Unfortunately, that's not as awesome as it sounds. But more on that in a bit. I had the weirdest dream just now that I wanted to get down before I forgot it...
I was driving home ("home" being Ryan's cabin, at that point), and had been thinking during the drive about all the things that are less than cool in our relationship (his lack of maturity, my lack of growth, his extreme attachment to me, and oddly enough, his emotional inaccessability (which seemed strange, as that's normally a trait I attribute to my relationship with Ian).) I hadn't reached any real conclusion; I'd just been thinking it over. Anyway, I get in the door and do my usual "Hello?" thing, don't get any answer. I figure Ryan's outside working on something. I go into the bedroom, and lo and behold, there's this other dude who looks like a slightly taller, more mature version of Ryan - one or two more earrings, slightly thicker hair, maybe a year or two older, but remarkably similar-looking. He introduces himself as Travis and says he's a friend of Ryan's, or some such. We get to talking, and I find myself attracted to him, for obvious reasons. In a lot of ways, he's sort of an idealized version of Ryan - more mature, but still fun-loving; about my height, but with the same hair, slightly better-looking, etc. I don't really remember how it happens, but we end up making out.
Before things get too heavy, though, he says he has something to show me. Now, normally I'm one of those people who has some idea of what's going to happen next in her dreams, but this one totally took me by surprise (though I realized both in-dream and later on that it shouldn't have been quite so unexpected). Travis gets up and knocks on the closet (?) door, and Ryan comes out of there (not even going to comment on the symbology there, though it was strong enough that I even commented on it in my dream). Apparently he'd sort of set this up as a test of sorts. Not necessarily of my devotion to him, since he's never demanded that of me; but more just because he was curious as to how I felt about our relationship, and now he knew.
Needless to say, I felt extremely ashamed, as well as manipulated. It didn't seem to bother him quite so much, however; he kept insisting that he still loved me, even if I decided to go after Travis. I think most of my shame stemmed from the fact that he felt he had to (and probably did have to) use deception to find out how I felt about him.
As I've actually been quite honest with him in real life about how I feel (though it wouldn't surprise me if he's deceiving himself, somewhat - God knows I've done the same at times), I don't think this particular dream is warning me about that. However, I think it does have something to do with why I've been so obsessed with the thought of getting a car, regardless of the expense - here, Ryan represents my dream of singing/acting/etc., which is totally imperfect and impractical and seemingly unattainable, and yet here I love it dearly. Whereas Travis (whose name, interestingly enough, is French and means "crossroads") was much more perfect-seeming and attainable on the outside (after all, he was *right there*), but there's a good chance his personality was nothing like Ryan's - and therefore I wouldn't have been so attracted to him if not for the superficial resemblance.
Or, in short, I'm obsessed with the car idea because my real dream isn't something I can control, whereas getting a car is (theoretically) something that I can.
*sigh*
In other news, last night I went to see Alexander Tutunov, a classical pianist who was performing over at the library (I could've sworn that somewhere I had read that my music teacher and someone else would be singing, but I guess either it was a goof (that's the next concert in October; jazz piano and cabaret-style singing, woo!) or else I'd gotten it wrong. Either way, however, it was a gorgeous concert, well worth the $15 student ticket (which went to the cause of getting a new piano for the lecture hall, as well as servicing the ones we already have). The dude played beautifully, and while perhaps he talked a bit more between pieces than I would have, it was gorgeous music, well-played, and altogether an awesome concert. We gave him a standing ovation.
It *is* encouraging to see someone doing what it is that they really love to do, even though they can't afford to do it full-time. You should've seen the smile on his face when we applauded him at the end.
Anyway, I ran into Lydia (sort of friend/acquaintance of mine, sweet girl, if a bit childish at times) at the concert, so she came back here and we talked about that, sewing, artwork, a couple of other things - basically, she ended up crashing here for the night. But hey - at least I can brag about bringing home a cute chick after the concert. Even if nothing untoward *did* happen. ;)
Okay. I'm going back to bed, now...
Unfortunately, that's not as awesome as it sounds. But more on that in a bit. I had the weirdest dream just now that I wanted to get down before I forgot it...
I was driving home ("home" being Ryan's cabin, at that point), and had been thinking during the drive about all the things that are less than cool in our relationship (his lack of maturity, my lack of growth, his extreme attachment to me, and oddly enough, his emotional inaccessability (which seemed strange, as that's normally a trait I attribute to my relationship with Ian).) I hadn't reached any real conclusion; I'd just been thinking it over. Anyway, I get in the door and do my usual "Hello?" thing, don't get any answer. I figure Ryan's outside working on something. I go into the bedroom, and lo and behold, there's this other dude who looks like a slightly taller, more mature version of Ryan - one or two more earrings, slightly thicker hair, maybe a year or two older, but remarkably similar-looking. He introduces himself as Travis and says he's a friend of Ryan's, or some such. We get to talking, and I find myself attracted to him, for obvious reasons. In a lot of ways, he's sort of an idealized version of Ryan - more mature, but still fun-loving; about my height, but with the same hair, slightly better-looking, etc. I don't really remember how it happens, but we end up making out.
Before things get too heavy, though, he says he has something to show me. Now, normally I'm one of those people who has some idea of what's going to happen next in her dreams, but this one totally took me by surprise (though I realized both in-dream and later on that it shouldn't have been quite so unexpected). Travis gets up and knocks on the closet (?) door, and Ryan comes out of there (not even going to comment on the symbology there, though it was strong enough that I even commented on it in my dream). Apparently he'd sort of set this up as a test of sorts. Not necessarily of my devotion to him, since he's never demanded that of me; but more just because he was curious as to how I felt about our relationship, and now he knew.
Needless to say, I felt extremely ashamed, as well as manipulated. It didn't seem to bother him quite so much, however; he kept insisting that he still loved me, even if I decided to go after Travis. I think most of my shame stemmed from the fact that he felt he had to (and probably did have to) use deception to find out how I felt about him.
As I've actually been quite honest with him in real life about how I feel (though it wouldn't surprise me if he's deceiving himself, somewhat - God knows I've done the same at times), I don't think this particular dream is warning me about that. However, I think it does have something to do with why I've been so obsessed with the thought of getting a car, regardless of the expense - here, Ryan represents my dream of singing/acting/etc., which is totally imperfect and impractical and seemingly unattainable, and yet here I love it dearly. Whereas Travis (whose name, interestingly enough, is French and means "crossroads") was much more perfect-seeming and attainable on the outside (after all, he was *right there*), but there's a good chance his personality was nothing like Ryan's - and therefore I wouldn't have been so attracted to him if not for the superficial resemblance.
Or, in short, I'm obsessed with the car idea because my real dream isn't something I can control, whereas getting a car is (theoretically) something that I can.
*sigh*
In other news, last night I went to see Alexander Tutunov, a classical pianist who was performing over at the library (I could've sworn that somewhere I had read that my music teacher and someone else would be singing, but I guess either it was a goof (that's the next concert in October; jazz piano and cabaret-style singing, woo!) or else I'd gotten it wrong. Either way, however, it was a gorgeous concert, well worth the $15 student ticket (which went to the cause of getting a new piano for the lecture hall, as well as servicing the ones we already have). The dude played beautifully, and while perhaps he talked a bit more between pieces than I would have, it was gorgeous music, well-played, and altogether an awesome concert. We gave him a standing ovation.
It *is* encouraging to see someone doing what it is that they really love to do, even though they can't afford to do it full-time. You should've seen the smile on his face when we applauded him at the end.
Anyway, I ran into Lydia (sort of friend/acquaintance of mine, sweet girl, if a bit childish at times) at the concert, so she came back here and we talked about that, sewing, artwork, a couple of other things - basically, she ended up crashing here for the night. But hey - at least I can brag about bringing home a cute chick after the concert. Even if nothing untoward *did* happen. ;)
Okay. I'm going back to bed, now...
