Another "blarg" kind of morning

[missroserose]

I know the first morning back at work after a vacation is supposed to suck, but normally it doesn't bother me too much. Unfortunately, last night I couldn't seem to get to sleep (and according to my informal poll here at work, neither could anyone else), and this morning I'm really feeling it despite coffee. Blargh. Anyone else have sleep issues last night?

I've got some other stuff to blog about (including Christmas schwag and yet another "Old Familiar Faces"-type update) but I'm pretty behind here at work, so I'm going to try and focus on that. Just wanted to let everyone know that vacation was fun and I'm settling back into the groove here, rough though the landing may be.

Comments

[cyranocyrano.livejournal.com]

Last night... I got home from the gym and sat down to write. I'd had this banging around inside my head for an hour or two, and so I just sat down and started writing. By three-thirty I was done. I looked up at the clock, said "Holy Crap," and went to bed.

[roseneko.livejournal.com]

That's awesome. I love hitting the writing zone like that, but it doesn't happen to me much anymore...probably because with the lack of college deadlines to worry about, I don't have a whole lot of motivation to go through the agonizing-pulling-teeth phase in order to get into that mode. Darn lack of self-discipline...

[cyranocyrano.livejournal.com]

It hasn't happened to me in months, which was one of the reasons I let it ride me like I did. Unfortunately, it's porn.

[roseneko.livejournal.com]

...and why is that an "unfortunately"?

[cyranocyrano.livejournal.com]

Mostly for the 'sharing it with other people' aspects. I do not have a filter of 'people I share my porn with' (partly because I've never done it before), and it's socially awkward to come up to somebody and ask if they want to read your porn.
Plus, it's... it's like Mary Sue porn. And my kinks are problematic. It's a deal where *I'm* not always comfortable with the things that turn me on, and so sharing that with others is a little vulnerable.
Does that make any sense at all?

[roseneko.livejournal.com]

Actually, it makes a lot of sense - sexuality is (unfortunately) not something that's easy to talk about in this culture, and anything that might be regarded as "deviant" sexuality carries even more stigma. So I can definitely see why you'd be hesitant to share. Had you thought of perhaps posting it to an online community that specializes in the sort of thing you're into? Sometimes you can find such places that encourage feedback...hurray for the anonymity of the intarwebs!

[cyranocyrano.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I'd considered that but hadn't done any actual looking. I have a lot of deviant friends--I live in San Francisco after all--but as a Sensitive New Age Guy and rape survivor who likes coercion and leverage and reluctance...
It's not even force, and the line of consent is perhaps a little blurred but never broken. So on the continuum it's pretty mild.
I'd considered the rec.bdsm website, but (a) I don't think there's a lot of feedback (b) it'd bore most of them.
...I don't suppose you know of anyone? (:

[roseneko.livejournal.com]

If you're wanting a website referral, I don't have any to give you at the moment. I tend to be into porn in the same way I'm into anything else - I'll be super-into-it for a little while, then go out and do other things for a while and maybe pick it back up later (sometimes years later), and it's been a while since porn was last on my "things I'm actively into" list. However, a bit of Googling would probably be fruitful - the joy of the Internet is that there's a community for anything, especially if it's porn-related.

If, on the other hand, that was a thinly disguised request as to whether I'd be willing to take a look, sure - just send it to this username at Gmail. =)

And on a tangentially related note, I've often found it interesting how when people adopt identities that they consider more enlightened, they end up being limited by the aspects of life that their "enlightened" identity must repudiate at all costs (to use your example, a "sensitive New Age guy" needing to repudiate even the appearance of non-con, for instance), even when it's all consenting adults involved...okay, now it's my turn to ask if that makes any sense. =D

[cyranocyrano.livejournal.com]

I had intended for a website referral, and once I can find a breather space when I'm not at work I had planned to poke around yahoo.groups or something. It's just been--the story didn't even exist until early early this morning, and I don't think I want that sort of thing showing up on my work browser, you know? It just landed on me like a whirlwind and I'm still a little dizzy and just happy that I'm *writing* again.
You're 'stranger' enough that if you're interested I'd be happy to get a critique from you (once I get home and edit a few word choices I don't like). If you're 'in between porn phases' though, I don't want to bore you. (: I'll probably make some sort of formal, filtered, LJ post where I say "I'm Cyrano, and I write smut" and ask if people want to read it for critique. Or just their own personal enjoyment.
And yeah, I'm aware of the irony, it's just a story and it's not real people, and it's my own mental baggage I have to deal with. But there are a lot of ethical considerations when you're dealing with "real life" power play, because it's one thing to pretend in real life that consent is lacking and another entirely to actually lack that consent.
When it's just words on a page making me horny, it shouldn't matter. I... shouldn't try to write this at work. It requires actual concentrated thought and I'm trying to do seventeen other things at once.

[roseneko.livejournal.com]

*laughs* No problem, I'll take a look. If it doesn't interest me I'll pretend I'm back in college or something. =D Seriously, if nothing else I should be able to give you some tips on style and such.

It's true that there's a lot of ethical considerations in real life, which is why *prepares to sound like a preprogrammed record* communication is key in any relationship. People tend to be much happier in relationships when they're into the same thing their SOs are into, sexually...which is partly why Brian and I sometimes have a bit of trouble in that area, since as far as I can tell the poor boy's not into *anything*. But that's a story for another time. ;)

[cyranocyrano.livejournal.com]

Despite not quite having met you, I have a great deal of respect for the fact that you can write and also present ideas in a coherent format. (Note to self--when you get home, throw gym clothes into the hamper, recharge the phone and get a new highlighter and edit the story to send to Rose. There.)
And yeah, my main concern is to keep a firm seperation between 'these are the things that are sexy and good in my brain' and 'these are the things that are sexy and good with a real person'. Wow. I feel kind of goofy talking about this with somebody I have a crush on.

[roseneko.livejournal.com]

I can write, yes, but I sometimes wish I had the self-discipline to write more regularly - aside from this blog my total output has been pretty close to zero since leaving college. I keep thinking I should change that, but always end up procrastinating...I'm really pretty pathetic. =D

'Fraid I can't do too much about the crush, but I've never had a problem talking about sexuality with people. It really annoys me the way so many people in this country want it to not exist (and indeed, prefer all sorts of violent crap to a sex scene in a movie)...not so much because they personally are uncomfortable with it (that's their issue to deal with) as that they get so pissed off at other folks who aren't so repressed. There was a whole slew of letters to the local paper a while back because the new insert (which, amazingly enough, is aimed at twentysomethings) *dared* to print an article about sex toy parties. And it wasn't even explicit - there were almost no specific descriptions and the only pictures were of relatively innocuous things like massage oil. Apparently none of these people understood the whole idea of "if you don't like it don't read it" - when I sent in a letter stating as much, some other dude wrote in going "That doesn't apply in a family newspaper!" Sheesh.

*takes a deep breath*

Sorry, got a little sidetracked there. So, yeah - so long as you have that ability to separate fantasy from real life (which almost everyone does, despite media hype to the contrary), no, there shouldn't be any big deal about writing a story that turns you on. That's what fantasy's all about. =D

[cyranocyrano.livejournal.com]

For critiques, luckily, the will power issue doesn't enter into it. And yeah, that lack of discipline is one of the big reasons that this is the first thing I've written since last summer. (All of which had to be torn out, and I just haven't had the energy to go back and do that yet.)
And it's my crush, you don't get to do anything with it. But other than that, pretty much with you on the sex thing, at least logically. I've got emotional stuff that refuses to respond to logic, and I'm working on that.