(no subject)
Feb. 23rd, 2005 10:08 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
missroseroseFor some reason, I feel like my life has hit a bit of standstill. I'm not really involved in anything that feels particularly productive. School is nice, but I've pretty much reached the point where I'm coasting - I know how to pass the classes, but I have no particular desire for a degree at the moment, so there's no real goal so far as they're concerned. My job is about the same - I'm doing just fine with it, but it's no particular challenge at the moment. The biggest challenge facing me right now is trying to save enough money per paycheck so that I'll be able to cover my half of our apartment rent/deposit. My goal is to have $1000 saved by May; if I manage to save $150 per paycheck it's just doable. Admittedly, that gives me just over $100 per couple of weeks to live on, but so long as I'm not too extravagant on things like movies and whatnot, it should be enough for food and gas.
I think that's the hardest thing, though - I don't really have any solid goals at the moment, other than to find a decent job and a place to live for the summer. For a while I was thinking of taking a road trip to Anchorage/Fairbanks to visit some friends/family members, but that's been pretty much put on hold for funding reasons. I don't think I'm going to want to audition for Perseverance this season; as mentioned before, I need the time this summer to get established, hopefully get some money saved, and work on building a basis for a long-term relationship with Juneau-Brian. (Which isn't to say that we're not doing that right now, but it's rather difficult to get any further when one or both of the people involved are never home. Unless that's the kind of relationship you were planning on in the first place.) I am looking forward very much to having our own place, but that's not going to be for a couple of months at least, and in the meantime there's not a whole lot that I really feel like I'm making progress on.
I've also realized that I've spent a lot of time worrying lately. Mostly about money, with occasional other things tossed in. That bugs me, because I don't like worrying, and I don't like who I am when I'm scared (be it about money or anything else). Admittedly, most of the major stressors are gone (I have the cash for my rear windshield replacement and sent the wonderful lady at the state office a thank-you card; my tax return should cover most of my next six months' car insurance come March), but things are tight enough to make me uncomfortable - I'm not going to have any margin for error, so if something major comes up, my plans are pretty much going out the window. Mostly I just have to keep reminding myself that I'm not going to starve, and I'm not going to freeze to death. That's the important part; the rest can wait.
On the Ryan front, he and I got together a week or so ago to talk about whatever it was he wanted to talk about. Mostly it seemed he just wanted to catch up and make sure I wasn't pissed at him; aside from the fact that he was an hour late showing up and I very nearly left without seeing him, I wasn't particularly. I'm not going to go into the details of his life at the moment; suffice it to say that he's apparently made a lot of self-destructive decisions lately and doesn't seem to be interested in changing them. But he realizes that they are self-destructive, and he knows what he's doing, and I'm not his girlfriend any more so I'm not going to try to tell him how to live his life. I found it rather ironic, though, that he seems so worried about whether I'm going to be happy with my life when, quite frankly, he's obviously not headed anywhere that'll make him happy. So in the end I just had to tell him, "Ryan, I'm not telling you how to live your life...please don't tell me how to live mine."
I don't think I'm going to be seeking out his company anytime soon, though.
And that's pretty much it, I'm afraid. Still living, but feeling mildly depressed/worried a lot of the time. I think a lot of it has to do with the whole "winter blahs" thing - I'm more than ready for it to be spring, but it's going to be at least another month or two of near-freezing rain, most likely. That, combined with the lack of any tangible goals nearby, and the lack of extra money, isn't doing good things for my state of mind.
On the plus side, though, I have a wonderful boyfriend, I'm not failing any of my classes, and (assuming nothing comes up) I should have enough money for my part of our apartment deposit. I do have a nifty car (that's going to have a brand new rear windshield, hopefully by Friday), a couple of good friends, and a life that's so much better than any number of other folks' that I could mention. So there's no real reason for me to be depressed.
I think I'm going to take up sewing again. God knows I've got enough fabric and patterns laying about, and I think it'd be good for me to do something productive with my time.
I think that's the hardest thing, though - I don't really have any solid goals at the moment, other than to find a decent job and a place to live for the summer. For a while I was thinking of taking a road trip to Anchorage/Fairbanks to visit some friends/family members, but that's been pretty much put on hold for funding reasons. I don't think I'm going to want to audition for Perseverance this season; as mentioned before, I need the time this summer to get established, hopefully get some money saved, and work on building a basis for a long-term relationship with Juneau-Brian. (Which isn't to say that we're not doing that right now, but it's rather difficult to get any further when one or both of the people involved are never home. Unless that's the kind of relationship you were planning on in the first place.) I am looking forward very much to having our own place, but that's not going to be for a couple of months at least, and in the meantime there's not a whole lot that I really feel like I'm making progress on.
I've also realized that I've spent a lot of time worrying lately. Mostly about money, with occasional other things tossed in. That bugs me, because I don't like worrying, and I don't like who I am when I'm scared (be it about money or anything else). Admittedly, most of the major stressors are gone (I have the cash for my rear windshield replacement and sent the wonderful lady at the state office a thank-you card; my tax return should cover most of my next six months' car insurance come March), but things are tight enough to make me uncomfortable - I'm not going to have any margin for error, so if something major comes up, my plans are pretty much going out the window. Mostly I just have to keep reminding myself that I'm not going to starve, and I'm not going to freeze to death. That's the important part; the rest can wait.
On the Ryan front, he and I got together a week or so ago to talk about whatever it was he wanted to talk about. Mostly it seemed he just wanted to catch up and make sure I wasn't pissed at him; aside from the fact that he was an hour late showing up and I very nearly left without seeing him, I wasn't particularly. I'm not going to go into the details of his life at the moment; suffice it to say that he's apparently made a lot of self-destructive decisions lately and doesn't seem to be interested in changing them. But he realizes that they are self-destructive, and he knows what he's doing, and I'm not his girlfriend any more so I'm not going to try to tell him how to live his life. I found it rather ironic, though, that he seems so worried about whether I'm going to be happy with my life when, quite frankly, he's obviously not headed anywhere that'll make him happy. So in the end I just had to tell him, "Ryan, I'm not telling you how to live your life...please don't tell me how to live mine."
I don't think I'm going to be seeking out his company anytime soon, though.
And that's pretty much it, I'm afraid. Still living, but feeling mildly depressed/worried a lot of the time. I think a lot of it has to do with the whole "winter blahs" thing - I'm more than ready for it to be spring, but it's going to be at least another month or two of near-freezing rain, most likely. That, combined with the lack of any tangible goals nearby, and the lack of extra money, isn't doing good things for my state of mind.
On the plus side, though, I have a wonderful boyfriend, I'm not failing any of my classes, and (assuming nothing comes up) I should have enough money for my part of our apartment deposit. I do have a nifty car (that's going to have a brand new rear windshield, hopefully by Friday), a couple of good friends, and a life that's so much better than any number of other folks' that I could mention. So there's no real reason for me to be depressed.
I think I'm going to take up sewing again. God knows I've got enough fabric and patterns laying about, and I think it'd be good for me to do something productive with my time.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2005-02-23 10:07 pm (UTC)While you're taking up sewing again, what about that non-ruffly shirt, or maybe a full outfit for your KFM? *bats eyes and shaggy hair*
BTW, I said hi to my (still unnamed) Jag earlier today. Discard snow, open door, pop hood, check fluids (100% normal, I think the leak was from overfill actually...), turn key, feed fuel, turn key again, listen to angry unused eager engine note. Lack of air filters creates a growly open note. No problems from the belts. Battery fine. I think she's saying :P for you being pessimmistic about her. ;)
no subject
Date: 2005-02-24 09:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-24 11:47 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-25 11:06 am (UTC)