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missroseroseI got an email from my grandmother recently (who, despite being somewhat taken aback by my language at times, reads this blog). Its contents:
Well, Rose, I'm glad you are at a better place this year, but please explain what was the problem about 3 L.D.S. cousins?
I'm posting my reply here because I have a lot of mixed feelings about my cousins, and this gave me a chance to think through them a bit.
Hi Grandma,
You've actually hit on a subject I meant to write about some time ago, but never did for some reason. I don't mean to say that my cousins aren't wonderful people, because they are, and I'm very happy for all of them. However, being around them has been difficult for me at times, mostly because they're all so convinced that they're doing the right thing and living their life the way it's supposed to be lived. Aunt Eileen and Uncle Lloyd are some of the nicest people I know, and I'm glad they're part of my family, but I just can't see myself being happy living the way they do. This was something of a difficulty for me, because last year I was trying to figure out what *would* make me happy, and not having much luck. I've since made some progress on that question, but I still never seem to be quite certain that I'm doing things *right*.
I guess, in a way, I envy all of them - I envy their ability to find a group that they're willing to follow, and the certainty that they obtain from their identity within the group. I can't do that, myself, because it's never been enough for somebody to tell me that I'm doing the right thing. Don't get me wrong, it's nice to hear, but I usually end up doubting it to some extent. So instead of having "right" or "wrong" clearly laid out for me, and being happy because I know what I'm doing is right, I end up sort of muddling along whatever path feels the most right. If that makes any sense.
I hope that helps. I don't mean it to be a slight on my aunt/uncle/cousins, I honestly don't. They're very good people and I hope they continue to be happy, just as I'm glad that you're happy. I just feel like I'm a bit behind because I'm still in search of happiness...
Well, Rose, I'm glad you are at a better place this year, but please explain what was the problem about 3 L.D.S. cousins?
I'm posting my reply here because I have a lot of mixed feelings about my cousins, and this gave me a chance to think through them a bit.
Hi Grandma,
You've actually hit on a subject I meant to write about some time ago, but never did for some reason. I don't mean to say that my cousins aren't wonderful people, because they are, and I'm very happy for all of them. However, being around them has been difficult for me at times, mostly because they're all so convinced that they're doing the right thing and living their life the way it's supposed to be lived. Aunt Eileen and Uncle Lloyd are some of the nicest people I know, and I'm glad they're part of my family, but I just can't see myself being happy living the way they do. This was something of a difficulty for me, because last year I was trying to figure out what *would* make me happy, and not having much luck. I've since made some progress on that question, but I still never seem to be quite certain that I'm doing things *right*.
I guess, in a way, I envy all of them - I envy their ability to find a group that they're willing to follow, and the certainty that they obtain from their identity within the group. I can't do that, myself, because it's never been enough for somebody to tell me that I'm doing the right thing. Don't get me wrong, it's nice to hear, but I usually end up doubting it to some extent. So instead of having "right" or "wrong" clearly laid out for me, and being happy because I know what I'm doing is right, I end up sort of muddling along whatever path feels the most right. If that makes any sense.
I hope that helps. I don't mean it to be a slight on my aunt/uncle/cousins, I honestly don't. They're very good people and I hope they continue to be happy, just as I'm glad that you're happy. I just feel like I'm a bit behind because I'm still in search of happiness...
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that witch is saught after...
Date: 2005-01-03 11:25 pm (UTC)next time home
Date: 2005-01-11 10:31 am (UTC)next time your in juneau, i might like to treat you to some russan dumplings down town(i dont know how to spell the name right, something like palamanies, or something) and maby we can talk litriture, ask tygenco X or izlanda about gobby.
good day to you
Re: next time home
Date: 2005-01-20 04:19 am (UTC)--
Taktuk, Barrow's official Red Shirt.