Adventures with spyware...

[missroserose]

Random chat person: I JUST MOVED TO NY AND I'M BORED! CUM SEE MY NEW SITE!!

Me: I'm bored, and I've got a pop-up blocker. *clicks the link, just to see if it's an actual site*

Website: FREE PORN IN UR EMAIL! SIGN UP HERE!

Me: *enters in unused address to see how much spam it gets overnight*

Website: You may have foiled us with your pop-up blocker, but it is I who shall have the last word. Mwahahahahaaa!

Me: ...crap. That doesn't sound good.

Later that night...

Me: Hm, let's see if there's any new bids for that corset. *opens browser*

Spyware: WELCOME TO CUM4FREE.COM, THE BEST AMATEUR SITES ON THE WEB!

Me: Okay, score one for you, spyware. *resets browser homepage* Now, back to business...*opens Favorites List*

Spyware: You have three new folders in your Favorites List, all of which contain myriad porn sites.

Me: ...that's two points in five seconds. This is starting to worry me.

Spyware: Oh, did you realize your clock might be out of sync! Download this software!

Me: No thanks. *closes dialog* Why didn't you get that, Pop-Up Stopper?

Pop-up Stopper: Hey, I'm just a free download you filched off a friend's website. I'm no superhero!

Me: Oh, right. I guess it's time to call in...

Dun dun dah DAAANNNN...

AD AWARE!

Spyware: Mwahahahaa! Nothing can stop us now!

Me: Oh just you watch. *clicks on autoupdate*

Me: *waits for new reference file to download*

Me: *and waits*

Me: *and waits*

Me: *starts to feel like a Polish refugee in Casablanca during WWII*

Me: Damn, I hate this 14.4 connection.

Ad Aware: Congratulations, your new reference file is downloaded! Shall we kick some spyware arse?

Me: Yeah. Full-depth scan, please. *hits start button*

Spyware: Wait wait wait! We've got something you want!

Me: You've got three minutes, pal.

Spyware: *digs frantically through suitcase* Low-cost Viagra?

Me: Strike one.

Spyware: Free hot horny babes in your email?

Me: Only if they come with instructions for turning them into an army to take over the world. Strike two.

Spyware: *sweat rolling down forehead* Uh...penis enlargement pills?

Me: I don't have a penis. Bite me.

Ad-Aware: You have 198 new items. Would you like me to quarantine them?

Spyware: C'mon, c'mon, I know there's something you want! Don't hit that delete button! We'll work something out!

Me: You are so my bitch. *hits delete*

Spyware: AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH! *curls up into a little ball that bursts with a sound like a zit popping*

Me: ...God, I love that feeling.

EDIT: Upon re-reading this, I find myself thinking this would be more amusing if it were being acted out by puppets. Anyone up for doing a show? =)

Comments

[karenetaylor.livejournal.com]

Hurrah!

I love that feeling too.

[errant-variable.livejournal.com]

mmm. making spyware your bitch is a feeling only rivalled digitally (so far) by blocking attempted backdoor-hacks in realtime, and a 15-kill streak in a FPS.

it's all free

[skidmarksteve.livejournal.com]

Best pop up blocker I have found: Google toolbar.
Best spy/adware: adware seek and destroy there is also another one bur it's late and I can't remember it. Plus don't forget your firewall.

Re: it's all free

[errant-variable.livejournal.com]

Like your icon. :)

Re: it's all free

[azurelunatic]

I swear by (and occasionally at) AdAware and SpyBot Search & Destroy.

Re: it's all free

[lots42.livejournal.com]

Oddly, AOL has gotten something right in the fight. Ever since I told it not to do popups, I've only gotten them at MSN and CNN and since those sights generally suck diddly, hurray for me!

Re: it's all free

[azurelunatic]

Amazing! (I've got the Google toolbar.)

Re: it's all free

[phuries.livejournal.com]

spybot. ^^

Puppets

[tempest-x.livejournal.com]

Only if the puppets you use are Sifl and Olly sock puppets!

Puppets?

[domino-mystagic.livejournal.com]

How about marionettes, à la "The Thunderbirds" doing an entire episodes on the evil Pop-Up Empire?

F.A.B.

[aberrantangels]

I find myself thinking this would be more amusing if it were being acted out by puppets.

Hey, as Jane Lane pointed out, puppets make anything funny.

Anyone up for doing a show?

Can the role of Roseneko be played by a Daria puppet? 8-)

[roseneko.livejournal.com]

I'm sure it could, but I really do a much better Jane Lane voice - I've scared people with it before. And she's a bit closer to me in terms of personality.

Damn, I used to love that show...still do, though not as openly. =)

(And props, that was actually the line I had in mind when I edited the post.)

[livejamie.livejournal.com]

that was absolutley fantastic.

[ex-theatrica309.livejournal.com]

Here via metaquotes, and I must say that is the funniest thing EVER.

lol

[sollitaire.livejournal.com]

that is great :) - I love dialogues with my computer - those and with the people in cars in front of me are what get me through my day :D

Riding the metaquotes train

[londo.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I am so up for the puppet thing. Granted, I would need 3,500 mile long arms to do it, but barring that, I am totally game.

Voices, too. Definitely.

[artoni.livejournal.com]

...I want to make this in Flash. :D

Nevermind I have no skills in it. >>; I still want to try. XD

[azurelunatic]

Sort of like the Potter Puppet Pals?

[artoni.livejournal.com]

Not half as good.

More like Tales for the L33t's Romeo + Juliet.

[azurelunatic]

*eyes start bleeding*

Sign me up!

[edsobo.livejournal.com]

I'm in for the puppet show. I'll even help you make them. :)

madness

[(Anonymous)]

hi......been reading your posts for a while now....
and whilst they run the full gammut of emotions.........i truly think you are quite mad( in a funny , entertaining kind of way )....keep it up.........regards..Graeme...UK