Gaming and Fast Cars
Nov. 3rd, 2003 12:00 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
missroseroseCurrently listening to my ex-boyfriend discuss gaming with one of his friends in the other room. Considering the heartbreak I've been enduring the past few days, my reaction is rather odd - I'm almost getting a sense of relief.
Computer games were one of my sticking points with Ian...a lot of the time I felt like he was ignoring me for CounterStrike or any number of other games. At least, this was back when we had a relationship of sorts. Now he can play what he wants, and I can feel abandoned for entirely different reasons.
Again I find myself wondering if the relationship I'm wanting to re-instigate isn't an illusion created by my mind. I know no one has the perfect relationship, but is there truly any happiness to be found with someone else? Shouldn't you be happy with yourself, first? It's not that I'm not happy with myself, just that I prefer to have company. Maybe I should just stay out of relationships altogether until I can learn to be self-reliant. It'd certainly cause less heartache than depending on someone else to fulfill my needs for companionship...
I've had a dream for a long time now of finding someone with a fast car, being able to pack a few essentials and going someplace new to start a life with them. Maybe it would be better if I waited until I had my own fast car, and didn't have to rely on anyone else for a car, for companionship, for income. I can drive now; for the first time in my life I can get behind the wheel of a car without my muscles locking up in terror. Soon I'll get a license, and eventually, I hope to be able to own a car as well. And for some reason, the idea of an open road ahead of me with no one to drag me down is much more appealing than it used to be.
Maybe I am growing up, finally. Maybe I finally am becoming a woman.
If only it weren't such a painful process.
@->--Rose
"You got a fast car/Is it fast enough that you can fly away/You gotta make a decision/Leave tonight or live and die this way..."
Computer games were one of my sticking points with Ian...a lot of the time I felt like he was ignoring me for CounterStrike or any number of other games. At least, this was back when we had a relationship of sorts. Now he can play what he wants, and I can feel abandoned for entirely different reasons.
Again I find myself wondering if the relationship I'm wanting to re-instigate isn't an illusion created by my mind. I know no one has the perfect relationship, but is there truly any happiness to be found with someone else? Shouldn't you be happy with yourself, first? It's not that I'm not happy with myself, just that I prefer to have company. Maybe I should just stay out of relationships altogether until I can learn to be self-reliant. It'd certainly cause less heartache than depending on someone else to fulfill my needs for companionship...
I've had a dream for a long time now of finding someone with a fast car, being able to pack a few essentials and going someplace new to start a life with them. Maybe it would be better if I waited until I had my own fast car, and didn't have to rely on anyone else for a car, for companionship, for income. I can drive now; for the first time in my life I can get behind the wheel of a car without my muscles locking up in terror. Soon I'll get a license, and eventually, I hope to be able to own a car as well. And for some reason, the idea of an open road ahead of me with no one to drag me down is much more appealing than it used to be.
Maybe I am growing up, finally. Maybe I finally am becoming a woman.
If only it weren't such a painful process.
@->--Rose
"You got a fast car/Is it fast enough that you can fly away/You gotta make a decision/Leave tonight or live and die this way..."
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no subject
Date: 2003-11-03 08:12 am (UTC)I know from my own experiences that being in close proximity with an ex (such as living together) can cause ALL sorts of problems. I can't really just say "bah, move out all ready!", as I don't know the particulars of your specific situation (nor am I asking). I can on the other hand suggest you find some way to put distance in the situation, give yourself the time to get your head in order. The unforunate thing about this course of action, it's often times the most difficult thing to do, as we will still often times have unconsolidated feelings about the other person. I know I personally have been on the bad end of being in too close of a proximity with an ex, and that led to so many problems that unfortunately we today aren't even friends anymore (more like a sort of muted hostility towards each other).
Again this is offered from my unique perspective, as such you can take it as you will...
Moving out
Date: 2003-11-03 09:01 am (UTC)The living situation is bearable, if not the happiest I could imagine. If things haven't improved by the time the semester ends (i.e. December), I'll probably re-apply at UAF and finish out the year there. I don't like living in Fairbanks as much as Juneau, but I know a lot of people there, including a friend who has an extra room that I can stay in - a friend who I have no really painful emotional connections to.
Anyway, so it goes. I guess I'll see how things turn out...
@->--Rose
Re: Moving out
Date: 2003-11-03 09:05 am (UTC)Anyways, hope things improve there, if you need help with anything (even just a ear to rant to which isn't involved) lemme know.
Been there before...
Date: 2003-11-03 08:52 pm (UTC)Having known you and Ian for more than a couple years, I see your situation to be, how you say..., quite unique in some ways. Since I am not a psychologist, I can't pretend to know both of you inside and out, but henceforth I do recommend a few things, however, regardless of what I say I know you will take it or leave it at your whim.
Remember when you spent just over two months without Ian? There was nothing me and a few friends you know that we could do to make you feel better. So obviously you have known the effects of Ian-withdrawal... Ian, I am not so sure of, but I know he is now suffering from Rose-withdrawal.
Ian's lady friend is new to me, he hasn't talked about her at all. But if you two did get back together, I am quite positive both of you would take what you know and make an even healthier relationship than what you had before. I have never wanted to see you two apart, but suppose both of you saw what you two have been missing lately. I think Ian certainly does, and from what I gather, you do too...
I don't have time to reread over my post to see if it makes sense, as I am sitting in a 3-hour class trying to dodge the instructors questions and forcing myself to stay awake.
Aside from that, furthermore, I recommend the reunification of the both of you because I have never seen you happier with anyone else. The same applies to Ian. Both of you have great and powerful minds that like to pick apart everyones words and ideas. But what I think happend is both of you did it too much to eachother (the picking apart part). I did the same thing with Jamie and look how we turned out. That of course is another story for another warm sunny day in the winters of Alaska.
Oh hell, lost my train of thought... I should hyjack a car instead.
The music for your mood was quite fitting in name, but not in context, as you have many options for your life. Just running away and burying your head in the sand wont make everything go away, because when you pop your head right back out, your problems will still be there. Take Jamie for example, again.
Concordially, since I don't think you and Ian will get back together, my suggestions are sort-of fuxxed. I just thought I should throw in my two cents.