...And so the cycle begins anew...
Oct. 28th, 2003 06:26 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
missroseroseWell, it's been a good month and a half since I met Ryan and told Ian to screw himself. He's finally starting to take me at my word. Lately he's started seeing an acquaintance of mine, and they really seem to be hitting it off.
Far be it from me to say that this is a bad thing - hell, I've been saying for the past six weeks that it's exactly what he needs to do - but it's bothering me a whole helluva lot more than I thought it would. At least, it was this morning. Right now it's actually not bothering me much at all...I'm really starting to hate mood swings.
The kicker is, this is exactly the pattern that the two of us have been following for a couple of years now - one of us gets clingy while the other says "leave me alone" or sometimes pursues other options; a month or three later, the clingy one gets fed up and stalks off, while the first one gets all apologetic and tries to make up for their mistakes. We just never seem to want each other at the same time...is it worse to be blindly following a cycle like this, I wonder, or to be able to know and recognize the cycle, and yet still have a huge temptation there to follow it?
On a seperate note, I've been wondering if perhaps the relationship I've been pursuing on and off for these two years isn't as chimerical as the image I had of Elise before I got to know her better. I keep thinking to myself, we just have to both want to be together at the same time and everything will suddenly be okay, we'll live happily ever after, yadda yadda. I know that's not true, and yet I can't seem to shake this feeling of loss whenever I think about just saying, "I quit"...
And yet. It would be so freeing not to have to deal with all this emotional shit. I could pursue things with Ryan, or not, as I chose. I wouldn't constantly feel like half of me is pulling away (or I'm pulling away from half of myself). And, should he come to me and request to continue things at a time when I am amenable to such a request, there's no reason we couldn't...
It may well be Ryan's presence this time around that will let me break free of the cycle - because I do love him, and I think there's a lot of potential happiness in our relationship. I just have to be brave enough to keep my feelings to myself, and realize that I don't have to throw myself at Ian just because he's pulling away from me again. He'll be back or he won't. In the meantime, there's nothing that says I can't enjoy my own life.
Now if only I can reread this (and believe it!) when I'm on the other end of this emotional swing. *sigh*
@->--Rose
Far be it from me to say that this is a bad thing - hell, I've been saying for the past six weeks that it's exactly what he needs to do - but it's bothering me a whole helluva lot more than I thought it would. At least, it was this morning. Right now it's actually not bothering me much at all...I'm really starting to hate mood swings.
The kicker is, this is exactly the pattern that the two of us have been following for a couple of years now - one of us gets clingy while the other says "leave me alone" or sometimes pursues other options; a month or three later, the clingy one gets fed up and stalks off, while the first one gets all apologetic and tries to make up for their mistakes. We just never seem to want each other at the same time...is it worse to be blindly following a cycle like this, I wonder, or to be able to know and recognize the cycle, and yet still have a huge temptation there to follow it?
On a seperate note, I've been wondering if perhaps the relationship I've been pursuing on and off for these two years isn't as chimerical as the image I had of Elise before I got to know her better. I keep thinking to myself, we just have to both want to be together at the same time and everything will suddenly be okay, we'll live happily ever after, yadda yadda. I know that's not true, and yet I can't seem to shake this feeling of loss whenever I think about just saying, "I quit"...
And yet. It would be so freeing not to have to deal with all this emotional shit. I could pursue things with Ryan, or not, as I chose. I wouldn't constantly feel like half of me is pulling away (or I'm pulling away from half of myself). And, should he come to me and request to continue things at a time when I am amenable to such a request, there's no reason we couldn't...
It may well be Ryan's presence this time around that will let me break free of the cycle - because I do love him, and I think there's a lot of potential happiness in our relationship. I just have to be brave enough to keep my feelings to myself, and realize that I don't have to throw myself at Ian just because he's pulling away from me again. He'll be back or he won't. In the meantime, there's nothing that says I can't enjoy my own life.
Now if only I can reread this (and believe it!) when I'm on the other end of this emotional swing. *sigh*
@->--Rose
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no subject
Date: 2003-10-29 11:30 am (UTC)As far as our pattern goes... this isnt the same BS where one of us tries to drop the other one and sit in limbo. Your heading out with Ryan, while not exactly planned, was forseeable and as youve been swearing up and down not much of a mistake, and you could say something similar about what I might have happening. This might still be bloody annoying but there is a substantial change when "mistake" can no longer be applied.
You *havent* been dealing with your emotions and the chaos they raise, which is the spark fanned into the backlash of the last couple of days. Having no emotional entanglements to deal with is what I think your hoping food. Good luck with those.