A bit of family drama
Dec. 5th, 2008 02:54 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
missroseroseBecause really, what holiday would be complete without it?
Longtime readers will know, and less-longtime readers might have picked up, that I don't have the greatest of relationships with my father. Don't get me wrong, things could have been far worse - he was really quite an excellent father up until I hit puberty. But due to various immaturity issues of his own, he wasn't able to handle the fact of my growing up. And since my parents got divorced around that time, he basically quit trying. When my brother and I visited him, he still acted like I was ten years old; the one time I tried living with him for any length of time was fairly disastrous. So it was something of a relief when my mother and I moved to Barrow and I had an excuse not to see him.
In the eight years since then (God, do I feel old now), I could probably count the number of times I've communicated with him on one hand - and absolutely the number of times I've seen him (two). Part of this has been the fact that I frankly don't respect him much and haven't wanted to keep in touch; part of it has been that his characteristic self-absorption has meant that he hasn't made much effort to keep in touch. Sometime in the last year he at least made an effort to do so via email, and I finally just flat-out explained to him that I wasn't that interested in a relationship with him, and why. He seemed shocked (it seems that being a self-absorbed sort tends to mean that you think five years between communications is normal and not indicative of any particular disinterest on the part of the other party), but was at least gracious enough to tell me that he was willing to respect my wishes on the matter, and that he'd be around if I changed my mind.
One last bit of familial history I'd like to point out, as it relates to the current story: My father has absolutely no financial management skills. He and my mother got into a good bit of debt while they were married; when they divorced, by rights he should have taken half of the debt. However (and this is another reason I don't respect him much), he used his right of custody to my brother and I as a bargaining tool against my mother; she agreed to take on all of the debt from their marriage in exchange for getting full custody. (I wish to point out that originally, he hadn't wanted custody of my brother and me at all; however, once he discovered that full custody would entitle him to significant child support and alimony payments, he suddenly went to my mother with "Oh, but I love the kids so much, of course I want them to live with me!" This despite the fact that my mother was keeping the house and had the job that paid well enough to support a family. Have I mentioned that, as well as having immaturity and self-centeredness issues, he's also an emotionally manipulative asshole?) So it was something of a vindication, if no particular surprise, to see how five years later my mother had paid off her entire debt load and was making a six-figure income, and how he had spiraled all the way down into debt to the point where he was considering declaring bankruptcy. Needless to say, the child-support and college-tuition payments that he was contractually obligated to pay my mother and me never materialized, something I'm just a tad bitter about.
Anyway, come Thanksgiving, my grandmother (whom I love, and who's always been a bit distressed about the lack of a relationship between her son and granddaughter) asked if Brian and I would come over and visit and have snacks with her and my father and my uncle. I figured, why not, so we went over there and had a pleasant enough couple of hours chatting about games and food and whatnot. As family get-togethers went, it was relatively painless, and as we were leaving, my father gave me a Christmas card. Not really thinking much of it, I took it back to my Mum's place; however, upon opening it, I found a $200 gift card for Fred Meyer in it along with the card.
I'm not quite certain how to feel about that. On the one hand, it was actually rather thoughtful, and far more than I had ever expected from him. On the other, it kind of feels like too-little-too-late - if he wants to buy back my affection, how about some of those aforementioned tuition reimbursement payments? I realize he's not likely to be in any financial place where he can afford to do so, but since that's his own bloody fault (for all that he'd be happy to go on about how it's everyone else's), I'm not inclined to feel much sympathy.
I was going to friendslock this, but on second thought, I'll leave it public. I pride myself on not talking about people behind their backs, and everything in here is something I'd gladly say to his face if I thought he had any actual interest in why I don't like him much. I've mentioned bits and pieces of it to him before, but my impression has been that he's far more interested in maintaining his self-image as the victim rather than fixing any of the flaws in his character, and far be it from me to shatter his illusions.
Longtime readers will know, and less-longtime readers might have picked up, that I don't have the greatest of relationships with my father. Don't get me wrong, things could have been far worse - he was really quite an excellent father up until I hit puberty. But due to various immaturity issues of his own, he wasn't able to handle the fact of my growing up. And since my parents got divorced around that time, he basically quit trying. When my brother and I visited him, he still acted like I was ten years old; the one time I tried living with him for any length of time was fairly disastrous. So it was something of a relief when my mother and I moved to Barrow and I had an excuse not to see him.
In the eight years since then (God, do I feel old now), I could probably count the number of times I've communicated with him on one hand - and absolutely the number of times I've seen him (two). Part of this has been the fact that I frankly don't respect him much and haven't wanted to keep in touch; part of it has been that his characteristic self-absorption has meant that he hasn't made much effort to keep in touch. Sometime in the last year he at least made an effort to do so via email, and I finally just flat-out explained to him that I wasn't that interested in a relationship with him, and why. He seemed shocked (it seems that being a self-absorbed sort tends to mean that you think five years between communications is normal and not indicative of any particular disinterest on the part of the other party), but was at least gracious enough to tell me that he was willing to respect my wishes on the matter, and that he'd be around if I changed my mind.
One last bit of familial history I'd like to point out, as it relates to the current story: My father has absolutely no financial management skills. He and my mother got into a good bit of debt while they were married; when they divorced, by rights he should have taken half of the debt. However (and this is another reason I don't respect him much), he used his right of custody to my brother and I as a bargaining tool against my mother; she agreed to take on all of the debt from their marriage in exchange for getting full custody. (I wish to point out that originally, he hadn't wanted custody of my brother and me at all; however, once he discovered that full custody would entitle him to significant child support and alimony payments, he suddenly went to my mother with "Oh, but I love the kids so much, of course I want them to live with me!" This despite the fact that my mother was keeping the house and had the job that paid well enough to support a family. Have I mentioned that, as well as having immaturity and self-centeredness issues, he's also an emotionally manipulative asshole?) So it was something of a vindication, if no particular surprise, to see how five years later my mother had paid off her entire debt load and was making a six-figure income, and how he had spiraled all the way down into debt to the point where he was considering declaring bankruptcy. Needless to say, the child-support and college-tuition payments that he was contractually obligated to pay my mother and me never materialized, something I'm just a tad bitter about.
Anyway, come Thanksgiving, my grandmother (whom I love, and who's always been a bit distressed about the lack of a relationship between her son and granddaughter) asked if Brian and I would come over and visit and have snacks with her and my father and my uncle. I figured, why not, so we went over there and had a pleasant enough couple of hours chatting about games and food and whatnot. As family get-togethers went, it was relatively painless, and as we were leaving, my father gave me a Christmas card. Not really thinking much of it, I took it back to my Mum's place; however, upon opening it, I found a $200 gift card for Fred Meyer in it along with the card.
I'm not quite certain how to feel about that. On the one hand, it was actually rather thoughtful, and far more than I had ever expected from him. On the other, it kind of feels like too-little-too-late - if he wants to buy back my affection, how about some of those aforementioned tuition reimbursement payments? I realize he's not likely to be in any financial place where he can afford to do so, but since that's his own bloody fault (for all that he'd be happy to go on about how it's everyone else's), I'm not inclined to feel much sympathy.
I was going to friendslock this, but on second thought, I'll leave it public. I pride myself on not talking about people behind their backs, and everything in here is something I'd gladly say to his face if I thought he had any actual interest in why I don't like him much. I've mentioned bits and pieces of it to him before, but my impression has been that he's far more interested in maintaining his self-image as the victim rather than fixing any of the flaws in his character, and far be it from me to shatter his illusions.
