Home again, home again, jiggety jig...
Dec. 30th, 2003 11:26 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
missroseroseWell, I am indeed home again, or at least as close as I have to it, at the moment. At least it's not filled with conservative Mormons I'm related to who are winking and nudging me to convert and get married like my cousin did. *shudder*
On the other hand, I've discovered that when you have roommates, it's not necessarily safe to grab something out of the fridge and drink it without careful examination first. I poured myself a glass of milk and downed about three gulps before the fact that it was sour registered, after which I immediately spat it out into the sink. Blech. At least, I'm hoping it was sour milk, and not somebody's science project.
My eBay orders have all come in while I was gone, including a very pretty white nightgown set and a black velvet peasant skirt that I love. It's very thick and warm and it looks lovely. Now I just have to find a top to go with it...*flounces off back to eBay*
Thought inspired by my recent view into a Mormon family's pre-nuptials - anybody that preaches no-sex-before-marriage religion should be exposed to the company of two affianced members of that religion during the several days leading up to their marriage. I mean, I learned at 14 that it wasn't always okay to sit on my boyfriend's lap in front of other people. You'd think that it would follow that you shouldn't be attempting to inhabit the same clothes...
On a slightly more serious note, I've been continuing to think about my life, and a lot of the things in it right now. One of the things that was prompted by visiting my aunt and uncle was a reflection on how my life might have been different if I'd had a stable father figure throughout my childhood. My dad was a great father up until I got to be a teenager - once I started arguing with him, however, things sort of disintegrated, especially since that was about the time my parents divorced. As things ended up, I've seen him about twice in the past three years, and I'm perfectly happy with keeping it that way. But I sometimes wonder how I would be different if my father had been, well...someone I could respect.
As it is...if I heard from someone that he'd died a couple of days ago, I don't think I'd be all that upset. I know that's got to sound like a horrible thing to say about your own father, but, well...it's what I feel. I'm not necessarily proud of it, but it's the truth. At least he never abused me or anything like that.
So I suppose, to start the list of things that I want for my future, one of them would be a stable spouse. Male or female doesn't matter to me so much, but I do want someone that I love, who would love me and stand by me, and any kids we might have. Because on the off chance that I do have a kid or two, I don't want them to go through what I did, and I certainly don't want to have to raise a child alone. The fact that my mother managed to raise my brother and I so well is one of the reasons that I respect her so much.
Another thing to add to that list would be a home. Right now I'm moving around a lot, which is fine at this stage in my life, but I can see from here that eventually it's going to get tiring to never really have a stable home. I'm not sure yet where I want this theoretical stable home to be, but I know that in the future I'd like to have a place to come back to that feels like it's mine, and not just a place that I'm staying. It doesn't have to be a huge house, or anything like that; an apartment would be fine, just so long as it's someplace that belongs to me, and whomever else I decide to share it with.
Hm...a home, and someone stable to share it with. Pretty big aspirations for a 20 year old, but I've got the rest of my life to find them. Might as well start now...
@->--Rose
On the other hand, I've discovered that when you have roommates, it's not necessarily safe to grab something out of the fridge and drink it without careful examination first. I poured myself a glass of milk and downed about three gulps before the fact that it was sour registered, after which I immediately spat it out into the sink. Blech. At least, I'm hoping it was sour milk, and not somebody's science project.
My eBay orders have all come in while I was gone, including a very pretty white nightgown set and a black velvet peasant skirt that I love. It's very thick and warm and it looks lovely. Now I just have to find a top to go with it...*flounces off back to eBay*
Thought inspired by my recent view into a Mormon family's pre-nuptials - anybody that preaches no-sex-before-marriage religion should be exposed to the company of two affianced members of that religion during the several days leading up to their marriage. I mean, I learned at 14 that it wasn't always okay to sit on my boyfriend's lap in front of other people. You'd think that it would follow that you shouldn't be attempting to inhabit the same clothes...
On a slightly more serious note, I've been continuing to think about my life, and a lot of the things in it right now. One of the things that was prompted by visiting my aunt and uncle was a reflection on how my life might have been different if I'd had a stable father figure throughout my childhood. My dad was a great father up until I got to be a teenager - once I started arguing with him, however, things sort of disintegrated, especially since that was about the time my parents divorced. As things ended up, I've seen him about twice in the past three years, and I'm perfectly happy with keeping it that way. But I sometimes wonder how I would be different if my father had been, well...someone I could respect.
As it is...if I heard from someone that he'd died a couple of days ago, I don't think I'd be all that upset. I know that's got to sound like a horrible thing to say about your own father, but, well...it's what I feel. I'm not necessarily proud of it, but it's the truth. At least he never abused me or anything like that.
So I suppose, to start the list of things that I want for my future, one of them would be a stable spouse. Male or female doesn't matter to me so much, but I do want someone that I love, who would love me and stand by me, and any kids we might have. Because on the off chance that I do have a kid or two, I don't want them to go through what I did, and I certainly don't want to have to raise a child alone. The fact that my mother managed to raise my brother and I so well is one of the reasons that I respect her so much.
Another thing to add to that list would be a home. Right now I'm moving around a lot, which is fine at this stage in my life, but I can see from here that eventually it's going to get tiring to never really have a stable home. I'm not sure yet where I want this theoretical stable home to be, but I know that in the future I'd like to have a place to come back to that feels like it's mine, and not just a place that I'm staying. It doesn't have to be a huge house, or anything like that; an apartment would be fine, just so long as it's someplace that belongs to me, and whomever else I decide to share it with.
Hm...a home, and someone stable to share it with. Pretty big aspirations for a 20 year old, but I've got the rest of my life to find them. Might as well start now...
@->--Rose
a horrible thing to say about your own father
Date: 2003-12-30 07:51 pm (UTC)Perhaps this is a reason why the "old" and the "young" sometimes approach life differently. The longer you live, the greater the chances that the experience is nothing like the expectation.
There's nothing profound in that. But it can give a person more doubts about their ability to predict what's going to happen next. Maybe it's why we get so conservative ...
Condolences and a thought to share
Date: 2003-12-30 08:29 pm (UTC)Linked here from firefly, read a few entries and comments. I agree with another poster - you do have talent.
I kept coming back to your dad in this latest entry. I'm sorry. Yeah, doesn't sound like he took home any best dad awards.
It doesn't matter what kind of person you might have been had your dad been the dad you think you needed...what matters is the person you are now and the choices you make to become the person you will be tomorrow.
My husband had an abusive and alcoholic dad. Frankly, I hated the man - and I'd never met him. The stories were horrific. I was surprised my husband did not feel the same way. My husband explained that he had come to the conclusion that he could not let his childhood and all it lacked define him as the man he is today.
He said to me that he came to realize that his dad was not the 'best dad ever' and could never be that type of father. That was all in the past at that point and could not be changed. And then he stunned me by continuing with saying his father had been the best dad that he knew how to be given the alcoholism and the abuse he had suffered as a child from his own father and grandfather. The realization and acceptance did not make him a better dad and it can't change the past, but what changed was that my husband accepted that his father was a broken and mentally ill person. And he forgave his dad for not being the dad he would have wanted. We are only human and as such - subject to great imperfections as we are perfections.
The reality is even with forgiveness and acceptance - it didn't necessarily make him feel lovey dovey towards dear old dad or anything like that. There were no Hallmark endings, no storied reconciliations, peaceful Hollywood moments, final atonements, or great redemptions at the end. The man, I am told, died horribly from cancer of the liver, alone and in pain in the care of strangers, estranged not only from his immediate family, but his extended family as well. He never met any of his grandchildren. There wasn't a memorial service. Hospice called the lawyers, the lawyers identified next of kin through legal papers. A certified letter was sent to the survivors.
When his dad died, my husband and another sibling had closure on that part of their life and were able to grieve and put it behind them and move on. The past doesn't haunt him or rule him.
The other two siblings to this day are as angry at their father as they were when he first left them - decades ago. They are angry still for each event of abuse and failure. They are even angry that he died and didn't tell anyone (explain that to me...). It takes a lot of energy to keep that hate fresh and alive.
So about your dad - the point of this... Don't let the what ifs become the cage that define you. Make peace with yourself and let him go. Relinquish the past and go about becoming what you have yet to be.
I have to say this about my husband - he's a great dad to our 4 year old. He is the dad he wished his own father could have been. Quite possibly he is this great dad because his dad was NOT.
Best of luck to you and in your life. You really do have a great talent.
marticlare
fathers
Date: 2004-01-01 09:16 am (UTC)For your own sake, you should do your best to accept and love your father despite his limitations -- because the only alternative is bitterness that you won't be able to resolve once he's gone.
My dad is no winner himself, but I like the guy well enough. My younger sister cannot forgive him -- and even though she, out of four children, is otherwise the most successful and together, that bitterness really taints so many other aspects of her life.
And good luck on the quest for a happy home and realtionship.
Paul
Fathers
Date: 2004-01-02 11:01 am (UTC)I'm not advocating anything. I'm just sayin'. is all.
M
aspirations
Date: 2004-01-05 01:59 pm (UTC)Just fell onto your page while looking for Firefly info. Just had all the episodes shown over two evenings here in the UK and I was hooked, and interested to find out more. Read your "A New Hope For Star Wars Fans", well put.
I've checked over some of your musings here. Why do you feel you should known everything right now? Why should happiness be based on money?
Good food over an open fire shared with friends will always beat a meal in the finest of restaurants. Lazy days talking over anything, trivial or profound, with people we know or want to know will always beat the grandest of parties wherever we may be. A bycycle ride across hills and valley's with someone you admire will beat the view from the comfort of a Rolls Royce.
Make good friends, appreciate them, don't look for anything other than these friendships, if you make mistakes only 50% of the time your life will be good and fruitful, true love will find you and lead you to the happiness you crave for and that we all deserve.
Playing now: Chantel Kreviazuk - Weight of the World
Should you wish to deny or debate my philosophy of life try chrishgriffiths@ntlworld.com
chris g