On favors, asking and offering
Apr. 25th, 2008 09:43 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
missroseroseI sent this letter in to Slate, but since there's a good chance it'll never make it through the stack, I'd be interested in your opinions on the situation.
Dear Prudence,
A friend of mine and I are having a debate on a finer point of etiquette and were wondering if you could help us out.
He often asks favors of his friends; not huge ones, but not small either. (A typical example would be his asking me to make extra stops on the way home from work to pick up a package for him, as he doesn't currently own a car and getting it himself on the bus would take significantly more time.) This isn't to say he's a freeloader; he does help his friends when they need it, as his resources permit.
What irks me a bit is the way he asks for these favors. I've always assumed that when I ask someone for something significant, I should make a sincere offer of some sort of compensation (not necessarily monetary; movie tickets, help with a project, drinks at my place, whatever's within my resources at the time). Often the person I'm asking will wave the offer away as unnecessary, but to me at least making the offer is an important way of saying "I'm not just trying to take advantage of you, I'll try to do something for you in return".
My friend not only sees this as unnecessary, he feels that people would be insulted if he did so, because they'd think he was saying they wouldn't help him if he didn't offer them something in return. But when he consistently asks me for things without offering anything in return, I feel like he's trying to take advantage of my good feeling toward him.
Am I just being whiny here? Or is it reasonable to expect people to offer help in return for you helping them out?
Dear Prudence,
A friend of mine and I are having a debate on a finer point of etiquette and were wondering if you could help us out.
He often asks favors of his friends; not huge ones, but not small either. (A typical example would be his asking me to make extra stops on the way home from work to pick up a package for him, as he doesn't currently own a car and getting it himself on the bus would take significantly more time.) This isn't to say he's a freeloader; he does help his friends when they need it, as his resources permit.
What irks me a bit is the way he asks for these favors. I've always assumed that when I ask someone for something significant, I should make a sincere offer of some sort of compensation (not necessarily monetary; movie tickets, help with a project, drinks at my place, whatever's within my resources at the time). Often the person I'm asking will wave the offer away as unnecessary, but to me at least making the offer is an important way of saying "I'm not just trying to take advantage of you, I'll try to do something for you in return".
My friend not only sees this as unnecessary, he feels that people would be insulted if he did so, because they'd think he was saying they wouldn't help him if he didn't offer them something in return. But when he consistently asks me for things without offering anything in return, I feel like he's trying to take advantage of my good feeling toward him.
Am I just being whiny here? Or is it reasonable to expect people to offer help in return for you helping them out?
