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I know I've not been at my best, mentally, of late. A lot of it has been the roller-coaster of finances and Brian's job hunt and other preparations for/aggravations about a move that may or may not materialize this year. Some of it's been the standard emotional ups and downs. Some of it's been minor frustrations with work - I've been feeling for a while like I've sort of worked myself out of a job, and sometimes it seems like the only reason my boss is keeping me around (for all of five-to-ten-hours-a-week) is because I'm useful to have around every now and then and ultimately she doesn't want to deal with the unemployment filing. Some of it's been the (sing along with me) social isolation in a town with few people my age and even fewer that I really connect with. Although I've been making an effort to go out and be more social. Can't very well complain about a lack of connections when I don't make opportunities for them to happen.
Still, I don't think I realized exactly how far out of it I've been. Yesterday was something of a nadir point; I went to a local-artists-playing-live-music event, and was invited by one of the hosts to play (he'd noticed me around town with my guitar on my back), and couldn't get up the courage to do so. So while I enjoyed the music, I ended up spending most of the rest of the day kicking myself for the missed opportunity, and trying not to think about it, or about how in some ways I feel like I've stalled on my guitar progress.
I've begun taking lessons again, but my teacher wants me to work on my chording, especially barre chords. So it's been slow going. But eventually I decided I should stop moping and just get to work on the damn barre chords. I felt a little better after that, if still kind of bummed about letting my fears get the best of me. (Again.) So I went to bed determining to stop feeling sorry for myself and get on with things.
And somehow, that resolution seems to have leaked into the rest of my life. I woke this morning feeling better, possibly better than I had in a while. More centered, less haggard. The realization really set in, though, when I went to do my morning yoga and could do tree pose (standing on one leg) without so much as a wobble. I guess the centered-ness was physical as well as mental. I did some slightly-annoying tasks I'd been putting off, and was far less annoyed by them than I thought I would be. I went to work and felt useful and productive. (It helped that I had things to do and my boss was actually there to work with, but still. Definitely an improvement over the past couple of weeks.)
It's really nice, actually. I'd almost forgotten what it felt like to feel like you are exactly where you're supposed to be, and not wondering if you're forgetting something or wishing you were somewhere else. For all that the future's still uncertain, it seems there's a definite lesson to be learned there. Being satisfied with where you are now doesn't preclude wanting to be somewhere else in the future.
At least, I hope it doesn't. Because all this stressing out over things I can't control is for the birds.
Still, I don't think I realized exactly how far out of it I've been. Yesterday was something of a nadir point; I went to a local-artists-playing-live-music event, and was invited by one of the hosts to play (he'd noticed me around town with my guitar on my back), and couldn't get up the courage to do so. So while I enjoyed the music, I ended up spending most of the rest of the day kicking myself for the missed opportunity, and trying not to think about it, or about how in some ways I feel like I've stalled on my guitar progress.
I've begun taking lessons again, but my teacher wants me to work on my chording, especially barre chords. So it's been slow going. But eventually I decided I should stop moping and just get to work on the damn barre chords. I felt a little better after that, if still kind of bummed about letting my fears get the best of me. (Again.) So I went to bed determining to stop feeling sorry for myself and get on with things.
And somehow, that resolution seems to have leaked into the rest of my life. I woke this morning feeling better, possibly better than I had in a while. More centered, less haggard. The realization really set in, though, when I went to do my morning yoga and could do tree pose (standing on one leg) without so much as a wobble. I guess the centered-ness was physical as well as mental. I did some slightly-annoying tasks I'd been putting off, and was far less annoyed by them than I thought I would be. I went to work and felt useful and productive. (It helped that I had things to do and my boss was actually there to work with, but still. Definitely an improvement over the past couple of weeks.)
It's really nice, actually. I'd almost forgotten what it felt like to feel like you are exactly where you're supposed to be, and not wondering if you're forgetting something or wishing you were somewhere else. For all that the future's still uncertain, it seems there's a definite lesson to be learned there. Being satisfied with where you are now doesn't preclude wanting to be somewhere else in the future.
At least, I hope it doesn't. Because all this stressing out over things I can't control is for the birds.
