WARNING: LONG AND COMPLEX THOUGHTS AHEAD

Been suffering from a case of what my mother calls "shamanic flu" today; or in normal terms, the mild depression that tends to come along once you realize that in order to follow a dream, you've got to actually do something about it, which is unsafe and inconvenient and uncomfortable in all sorts of ways.

The long and short of it is, I spent most of the day in bed feeling miserable (mentally rather than physically), along with Ryan, who has been feeling miserable physically (part of the reason I was depressed was that I've been feeling trapped in this little cabin on not-quite-the-edge-of-nowhere with a sick boyfriend to take care of). I finally got sick of it and called my mother; talking to her helped, so I'm doing a bit better now. Even though I've still got a few inconvenient and uncomfortable things to deal with. Bleah.

In other mental news, I came to a few interesting realizations about my relationship with Ian. I'd actually found myself missing him lately; when I spent some time with him last night, I actually had this whole flip-flop contradictory thing going on on some level that was observing all the things that I loved/hated about him. It was kind of interesting to watch, but I was more involved in trying to figure out why I was still feeling attracted to him, even after all the bullshit that we went through over the past few years.

The answer, which also turned out to be the reason why the relationship fell apart? Security, or the illusion thereof.

On the one hand, there was the whole "strong manly man" nearby form of security. On the other, I had this whole goal (marriage/home/job/family) to aim for that was very clear-cut and easy to achieve. For a good year, this was enough for me to be totally happy with the relationship. However, as time went on, I realized on some level that that wasn't a future that I would be totally happy with. At the same time, Ian started getting more involved with gaming/other friends/etc., so I blamed the decline of our relationship on the lack of attention (and also the lack of sex). My demands in both arenas probably bordered on the unreasonable, because I was so worried about my source of security going away, when in effect, it was I who was growing out of the relationship (at least on that basis). In retrospect, I find myself wondering if, had I realized this, things might have been salvageable. But at this point, it doesn't really matter.

On a similar note, I feel like I'm outgrowing my current relationship, too. On the one hand, I've learned some great things from it (not the least of which is that Ian will not be the sole love of my life), but at this point it feels like I need to be on my own for a while - I've been in various relationships for pretty much the last three and a half years straight, and I need some time to find myself. As much as I care for Ryan, I don't think I'm doing him any favors at the moment - I haven't exactly been the easiest person to live with (not that I ever am), and I don't think either of us is getting much out of our relationship at this point. So once the semester starts, I'll probably be taking a break. It'll have been just over a year by then; that's enough for now, I think.

In any case, that's where things stand right now; mentally, anyway. Now if I can get the vagaries of my schedule worked out to allow for singing lessons and either the Survey of Physics course I'm wanting to take or something else...

@->--Rose

WARNING: LONG AND COMPLEX THOUGHTS AHEAD

Been suffering from a case of what my mother calls "shamanic flu" today; or in normal terms, the mild depression that tends to come along once you realize that in order to follow a dream, you've got to actually do something about it, which is unsafe and inconvenient and uncomfortable in all sorts of ways.

The long and short of it is, I spent most of the day in bed feeling miserable (mentally rather than physically), along with Ryan, who has been feeling miserable physically (part of the reason I was depressed was that I've been feeling trapped in this little cabin on not-quite-the-edge-of-nowhere with a sick boyfriend to take care of). I finally got sick of it and called my mother; talking to her helped, so I'm doing a bit better now. Even though I've still got a few inconvenient and uncomfortable things to deal with. Bleah.

In other mental news, I came to a few interesting realizations about my relationship with Ian. I'd actually found myself missing him lately; when I spent some time with him last night, I actually had this whole flip-flop contradictory thing going on on some level that was observing all the things that I loved/hated about him. It was kind of interesting to watch, but I was more involved in trying to figure out why I was still feeling attracted to him, even after all the bullshit that we went through over the past few years.

The answer, which also turned out to be the reason why the relationship fell apart? Security, or the illusion thereof.

On the one hand, there was the whole "strong manly man" nearby form of security. On the other, I had this whole goal (marriage/home/job/family) to aim for that was very clear-cut and easy to achieve. For a good year, this was enough for me to be totally happy with the relationship. However, as time went on, I realized on some level that that wasn't a future that I would be totally happy with. At the same time, Ian started getting more involved with gaming/other friends/etc., so I blamed the decline of our relationship on the lack of attention (and also the lack of sex). My demands in both arenas probably bordered on the unreasonable, because I was so worried about my source of security going away, when in effect, it was I who was growing out of the relationship (at least on that basis). In retrospect, I find myself wondering if, had I realized this, things might have been salvageable. But at this point, it doesn't really matter.

On a similar note, I feel like I'm outgrowing my current relationship, too. On the one hand, I've learned some great things from it (not the least of which is that Ian will not be the sole love of my life), but at this point it feels like I need to be on my own for a while - I've been in various relationships for pretty much the last three and a half years straight, and I need some time to find myself. As much as I care for Ryan, I don't think I'm doing him any favors at the moment - I haven't exactly been the easiest person to live with (not that I ever am), and I don't think either of us is getting much out of our relationship at this point. So once the semester starts, I'll probably be taking a break. It'll have been just over a year by then; that's enough for now, I think.

In any case, that's where things stand right now; mentally, anyway. Now if I can get the vagaries of my schedule worked out to allow for singing lessons and either the Survey of Physics course I'm wanting to take or something else...

@->--Rose