Another day, another job...

...I wonder if there's a Guiness World Record for most W-4 forms filled out in a single year?

As it is, I have another job working at the University library. I start tomorrow at 8 AM...ugh. At least it's just the training schedule, and can be changed after a week or two. And everyone seems cool with the fact that I'll be consistently ten minutes late, thanks to the quirks of the local bus route.

On the plus side, there may yet be something to look forward to - Ryan and I are planning a trip out to Los Angeles in March to rescue a friend from his own daily grind. It'd be good to get out of Alaska for awhile, and being as I've known this friend for a good three years without ever meeting him face to face, I figure it's about time. Ah, the wonders of the internet...

Spent the night and day yesterday with Ryan, and enjoyed myself immensely. Considering the current life situation, I wonder if I have any right to be that happy...especially when, by being happy, I am also causing someone else (specifically Ian) pain. True, his pain may not be my responsibility, but it's still a karmic backlash that I'm not looking forward to paying for. (I think I may have already paid for part of it - in Communications class today we were watching a few clips from "Maid in Manhattan".) How is it that such a wonderful feeling as being in love can cause so much pain? And is it worse when the pain isn't your own?

That's the thing that really gets to me, right now - I don't know if Ian's feelings are my responsibility. I feel that in some way they must be, because they are about me and I've encouraged them for the past two years, but on the other hand I've made it clear that I can't be his right now. I'm enjoying my freedom too much. If he'd said the same things to me a month ago, I would've been happy enough to sing (which, as anyone who knows me can tell you, is pretty darn happy). As it is, I can't help but feel that if I were to accept his offer right now, I'd be making myself his doormat and limiting myself in a lot of ways.

Ian and I have a very distinct see-saw pattern in our relationship. When I am happy and want to make a commitment, he tends to hold me at arms' length, and try to be cautious about things. When I finally get tired of this, we either seperate or break up, I sometimes go after someone else, and he decides he wants me after all and goes to a lot of effort to win me back, usually by offering some sort of commitment and usually succeeding. This has happened at least three times in the past two years; possibly more that I'm not remembering. While it's not an abusive relationship pattern, it's still unhealthy and sometimes manipulative.

I've never before experienced love without possession; it's so much sweeter when someone is faithful to you because they want to be, rather than because they feel they have to be because they're your "significant other". I can't return the fidelity at the moment, because I'm still working out issues with Ian; I don't know if I want to let him go entirely yet. But at the same time, the fact that Ryan knows this and is okay with it says a lot to me. It may be that his ability to give me his love without asking anything in return is what will ultimately win me over...

Whenever I talk about this, or write it out, the answer seems clear - it's time to tell Ian goodbye, to move on. We've had a good two years together, but we weren't careful with each other, and there's simply too much hurt on both sides to be able to be truly happy together again. I have a new love now, who gives me what I need right now - companionship, happiness, good sex, intellectual discussion. There's no baggage hanging around from the past with us. There's no talk of commitment for the future yet, because it's not an issue right now. There's just the present, and we're happy together in it.

And yet. And yet. I never can quite gather up the (nerve? courage? callousness?) to tell Ian I want to move on. Because there's a good part of me that still loves him, and wants to stay with him, doormat or no. For exactly two years we've been together now. For exactly two years I've had a dream that we could be happy together, and for the better part of those two years I was convinced that I'd found the man that I wanted to marry and spend my life with. Now he's offering me the chance to realize that dream, but it's coming too late. I don't want to make a commitment to spend my life with one person right now. If we end up together in a few years, that'd be wonderful, but there's still so much out there that I want to experience that just doesn't fit into the future I'd have with him. But I can't tell him no, either...mostly because I don't want to give up the dream of that future, even if it's not what I want.

I read somewhere that fantasies, by definition, cannot come true. Once something actually happens, it's no longer a fantasy, but real and flawed. Perhaps this is the case here - I've had this idealized fantasy for so long that, now that I'm faced with the chance to try to make it real, I don't want to risk shattering it. Perhaps I should just put it on the shelf with all the other unrealized dreams, and take it down once in a while, dust it off, and wonder at how I could have once thought it was what I wanted out of life. Or perhaps I should get about the business of putting a foundation under my castle of air, and turning it into a liveable place. Honestly, I'm not sure...

They say that being faithful to someone is one of the hardest things you can do. I agree...when that someone is yourself.

@->--Rose

Another day, another job...

...I wonder if there's a Guiness World Record for most W-4 forms filled out in a single year?

As it is, I have another job working at the University library. I start tomorrow at 8 AM...ugh. At least it's just the training schedule, and can be changed after a week or two. And everyone seems cool with the fact that I'll be consistently ten minutes late, thanks to the quirks of the local bus route.

On the plus side, there may yet be something to look forward to - Ryan and I are planning a trip out to Los Angeles in March to rescue a friend from his own daily grind. It'd be good to get out of Alaska for awhile, and being as I've known this friend for a good three years without ever meeting him face to face, I figure it's about time. Ah, the wonders of the internet...

Spent the night and day yesterday with Ryan, and enjoyed myself immensely. Considering the current life situation, I wonder if I have any right to be that happy...especially when, by being happy, I am also causing someone else (specifically Ian) pain. True, his pain may not be my responsibility, but it's still a karmic backlash that I'm not looking forward to paying for. (I think I may have already paid for part of it - in Communications class today we were watching a few clips from "Maid in Manhattan".) How is it that such a wonderful feeling as being in love can cause so much pain? And is it worse when the pain isn't your own?

That's the thing that really gets to me, right now - I don't know if Ian's feelings are my responsibility. I feel that in some way they must be, because they are about me and I've encouraged them for the past two years, but on the other hand I've made it clear that I can't be his right now. I'm enjoying my freedom too much. If he'd said the same things to me a month ago, I would've been happy enough to sing (which, as anyone who knows me can tell you, is pretty darn happy). As it is, I can't help but feel that if I were to accept his offer right now, I'd be making myself his doormat and limiting myself in a lot of ways.

Ian and I have a very distinct see-saw pattern in our relationship. When I am happy and want to make a commitment, he tends to hold me at arms' length, and try to be cautious about things. When I finally get tired of this, we either seperate or break up, I sometimes go after someone else, and he decides he wants me after all and goes to a lot of effort to win me back, usually by offering some sort of commitment and usually succeeding. This has happened at least three times in the past two years; possibly more that I'm not remembering. While it's not an abusive relationship pattern, it's still unhealthy and sometimes manipulative.

I've never before experienced love without possession; it's so much sweeter when someone is faithful to you because they want to be, rather than because they feel they have to be because they're your "significant other". I can't return the fidelity at the moment, because I'm still working out issues with Ian; I don't know if I want to let him go entirely yet. But at the same time, the fact that Ryan knows this and is okay with it says a lot to me. It may be that his ability to give me his love without asking anything in return is what will ultimately win me over...

Whenever I talk about this, or write it out, the answer seems clear - it's time to tell Ian goodbye, to move on. We've had a good two years together, but we weren't careful with each other, and there's simply too much hurt on both sides to be able to be truly happy together again. I have a new love now, who gives me what I need right now - companionship, happiness, good sex, intellectual discussion. There's no baggage hanging around from the past with us. There's no talk of commitment for the future yet, because it's not an issue right now. There's just the present, and we're happy together in it.

And yet. And yet. I never can quite gather up the (nerve? courage? callousness?) to tell Ian I want to move on. Because there's a good part of me that still loves him, and wants to stay with him, doormat or no. For exactly two years we've been together now. For exactly two years I've had a dream that we could be happy together, and for the better part of those two years I was convinced that I'd found the man that I wanted to marry and spend my life with. Now he's offering me the chance to realize that dream, but it's coming too late. I don't want to make a commitment to spend my life with one person right now. If we end up together in a few years, that'd be wonderful, but there's still so much out there that I want to experience that just doesn't fit into the future I'd have with him. But I can't tell him no, either...mostly because I don't want to give up the dream of that future, even if it's not what I want.

I read somewhere that fantasies, by definition, cannot come true. Once something actually happens, it's no longer a fantasy, but real and flawed. Perhaps this is the case here - I've had this idealized fantasy for so long that, now that I'm faced with the chance to try to make it real, I don't want to risk shattering it. Perhaps I should just put it on the shelf with all the other unrealized dreams, and take it down once in a while, dust it off, and wonder at how I could have once thought it was what I wanted out of life. Or perhaps I should get about the business of putting a foundation under my castle of air, and turning it into a liveable place. Honestly, I'm not sure...

They say that being faithful to someone is one of the hardest things you can do. I agree...when that someone is yourself.

@->--Rose